What doesn't kill us, Defines us

-1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse;

-Children are most vulnerable to CSA between the ages of 7 and 13

Sometimes as a kid, or even adults, bad things happen.  Sometimes those things are so bad it breaks apart families.  Sometimes, it ruins you.  Sometimes, you get so caught up in the whirlwind, you act out, or shut down. And sometime, you decide to fight and win.  Then many many years later, you still can't make sense of it.

As a child, I was sexually abused by an uncle.

OH MY GOSH, I HAVE NEVER ADMITTED THIS OUT IN THE OPEN BEFORE!

and my body is shaking and I'm nervous and scared and tears are rolling down my face.

But why, this is part of my story and it is a chapter in MY book. It shaped me, it made me learn so much.  I realized how cruel this world can really be.  I realized how amazing this world really is.

I remember the day it all came out.  Like a big pile of admission vomit that was out that I couldn't clean up.  It had been happening for about a year and a half, and getting more and more frequent, and more violent.  Nobody knew, except my sister and the man. 

It happened alone at his home.  It happened in his car when he would pick us up to babysit.  It happened in my own home, at my grandfathers cabin, and at an amusement park and even sitting down to dinner at a restaurant with many of my family members around.

.NOT A SOUL KNEW.

I remember sitting at dinner one day at a restaurant.  We all got seated together.  Our family, their family. I chose the end seat that faced the wall.  Our family on one side, their family on the other.  The man sat across from me. Out of all the seats, he chose mine. Was it intentional, i'll never know.  Towards the end of dinner, and remind you, it was summer time and I was wearing shorts, his foot began to slide up my leg. Starting at the ankles, and moving up towards my knees.  I'm sure I was starting to sweat with fear that this was really happening again, in front of my family.  I was scared.  What I would have done to just scream, throw my water in his face, stand up and run out. But I was trapped.  Trapped because I was scared.  Trapped because I felt violated.

As his foot made his way past my knees and started to creep even higher on my thighs I think I honestly just stared at him. Maybe I looked away. I acted like nothing was happening.  His foot made contact with my lady parts and swirled around as to try and arouse me.  I wanted to throw up.  I wanted to literally vomit all over. And this man, he enjoyed it. He enjoyed hurting me in a way that he will NEVER know.  The effects that these moments had on me still haunt me to this day.

I was a victim of child sex abuse. And I let my abuser get away with it.