guys, im really not sad

I have been posting a lot of negative, depression type messages lately and I just want to say I am sorry.  I really am such a happy girl.  I am so dang thankful for so much in my life.  Life sometimes isn't fair and sometimes we are just hanging out waiting for something fun, new and exciting to happen.  Although life cannot and will never be perfect in ALL aspects, I am so thankful for the life I have. 

Jase was out of town for like 4 days a while ago and let me just tell you, the full moon was shining.  E was a little terror, not to mention we were both getting sick so our patience was running very thin.  I literally looked up daycares to take him to.  Anything to help us get a break from each other.  Being a mom that week was SO dang hard.  My house was a disaster.  We literally had waffles every single night. I think I cried every night from being so mentally exhausted with my headstrong 3 year old.

Fast forward to this week when both of our sicknesses hit us head on.  We have snuggled every single day.  For 2 days in a row he let me rock him to sleep.  It is in these moments that I found myself in tears of happiness and joy at just how wonderful my life truly is.  I have a roof over my head.  A car that works.  A husband that works his hiney off.  Two beautiful determined kids. I think while I was rocking him I kissed his little forehead and whispered "I love you" at least 50 times.

I am still Laughing.  I am still telling jokes.  I am still having random dance parties. I am healthy.  I have energy to workout.  And most of all, I have goals you guys.

I am happy.  And I have so much love right now. ♥

So please don't think my latest rants were me being legit depressed.  I'm really not.

Thanks for this happy rant!

No more F word

See this girl, she is seriously like theeeee most precious thing.  She is delicate like a flower and can burst into tears and have her heart broken in an instant.  But like that delicate flower, she brings so much happiness and joy to so many people, every single day. 

It breaks my heart how bullying is already happening TODAY for her.  Some days she would come home in tears because the girls wouldn't let her play because she wasn't wearing a dress that day.  That crushed my heart. 

Now, she has lost a few teeth and it is no secret she will need an orthodontist in the future. She is already getting made fun of for her "weird" teeth. 

I wish I could wrap her up in bubble wrap and keep her from the cruel kids/people in the world. BUT, I have been trying to teach her that EVERYBODY is different, and its a WONDERFUL thing.

After she was born I was (insert F word) F-AT. I worked really hard and got back in shape again.  I had her brother, and I am fat again. I mean really, am I fat, no, but if I compare myself to others, I am, sometimes.  Why can't I take my own advice of everybody is different and it is wonderful.

I found myself weighing literally daily, sometimes twice a day. I work my HINEY off doing different workouts.  I have been angry at my husband for offering an ice cream night after trying on several different jeans that used to fit.

Then I heard it, straight from her mouth.....FAT.

Ugh. no no no no, Bug, please don't ever ever repeat that word.  Please don't get caught up in this whirlwind that has consumed MY life since I was 10. no no no, JUST NO.

By no means am I saying she has body image issues.  She is a string bean and is pretty dang active herself.

Anyway, it hit me, she has been watching me since she was born trying to not be "fat." 

So I stopped that very second.  We no longer use the word fat in this house. like EVER. like ever ever. Never.

I will not let her start seeing people by their appearance.  I will not let her see me with body image issues.  I will not let her get caught up in this crushing lifestyle!

For now on I make sure I use words like I want to be Healthy.  I want to be Strong.  I want my heart to last a long time.  I want to be able to keep up with you kiddos.  I want to teach her that being active and healthy is the best lifestyle.  I want to teach her that fruits are pretty dang good.  I want to teach her that it is ok to indulge on ice cream nights, but we don't need an ice cream night every night.

I want her to spread kindness.  I want her to uplift other girls.  I will not allow bullying in any shape or form.  That include bullying ourselves.

So from now on, The F (fat) word is not allowed.

update on macros 30 ish days in

top picture was taken 1/3/2017

bottom picture 1/10/17

I am at my lowest weight since my grandma died in 2014.  That week I was so sad and sick to my stomach that I couldn't eat. Since then I have busted my hiney "eating healthy" and literally working out so dang hard.  I would lose a pound, gain 3 back, lose 2 gain 4 back until my weight crept up to 10 more pounds. Then I lost some then I went on vacation, moved to Texas, went on vacation again, and the cycle continued.
When I say I ate healthy, I really honestly thought I did.  I ate a little bit more chicken, ate way more veggies, but I snacked, and snacked and snacked.  Then in reward for doing good all week I would go to dinner and that cheat meal turned into a cheat weekend and the cycle continued.  Let me just add, I know some girls that can cook, and I know some hole in the wall restaurants that are to die for! See where my cycle is going.  I always thought I was ok because I was working out like crazy, and burning off all the bad stuff. Then I still didn't like my results so I started eating like 800-1200 calories a day.  I would hardly drink water because I had a job that asking to go to the bathroom was like cutting off 10 fingers for everybody else. 
Fast forward to today.  I have technically been tracking my macros for about 30 days.  Then I sprained my ankle and gained weight fast again right after Christmas.  Technically a lot was fluid retention, I still gained and was still discouraged.
I then found a Macro coach, because honestly, I didn't quite understand everything yet and didn't know if I even had the right numbers. Guy, find a coach!!! it is worth it!
Anyway, she gave me numbers, then had me change some things and I am finally dropping weight. Finally, after 3 + years of trying everything!
So my message today is, keep trying.  Don't give up!  Track what you eat.  Every single cracker, every single chip, every single cookie dough bite.  weigh it, record it and use that knowledge to your advantage.  No food is off limits, just be smart and have smaller portions!

Discovering my source to my saddness

To get where I am coming with this post, please read this post HERE
I am going to follow up with a BIG FAT Hallelujah and AMEN, and this is my own story.
Seven days after Jase and I got married, we moved across the country to Florida.  Up to this point, I had never been East of Utah, and besides one trip to Lake Powell with friends for 5 days, I had never gone away without my parents. I relied on Facebook to keep in touch with friends and family.  This is a lot where MY journey started.  I mean, it started a little bit before I met Jase with things like "Phew, that workout kicked my hiney," when I literally ran 1 mile and did 50 crunches. I was thin then ha ha
Within a year we were pregnant, I was sick as all get out, and pretty much bed ridden.  Along came BLOGS of all these awesome new life hacks and things to do.  Followed up by Pinterest, more mom blogs, Instagram and Snapchat. I have watched the Kardashians since season one, along with The Hills, Laguna Beach, and all those shows that made me want to drop everything and run to LA.  BUT, I was smart enough to know that these kids parent were dripping in money and this was also a TV show.  I simply didn't have that.
These blogs were what was so inspiring for me.  They offered awesome crafts I could do for SO cheap, when in reality I ended up spending 5x as much at the store just to get started on that particular craft.  They had amazing recipes, that would "win your family over."  They had fun date night ideas, game night ideas etc.  These were all good things. They really were.  They were shaping me into being a good wife, a soon to be and new mother, and a housewife. 
Since these lifestyle blogs came so popular, so did the NEED to be like these people.  Not only did I WANT to live this way, but the NEED became overwhelming. 
I cannot tell you the amount of boards I have on my Pinterest labeled "Dream Home" "Favorite Recipes" "My style" "Perfect Parent" etc. The sad thing is, I have just as many or more on a locked and private for only me to see.  Should I be embarrassed that these are labeled "For real fatty" for workouts, "Suck it in" for extra low calorie foods and just names that degrade me as an awesome human.
Moving on into my story, we have moved 19 times in 7 years. Nobody in their right mind would expect me to have a Pinterest perfect house after 19 moves.  I now live 45 minutes from a measly little gym, with no nanny, let alone babysitter to go to a gym.  Nobody in my FAMILY expects me to have an Instagram worthy body. Nobody expects me to bake cookies on the daily, make my meals look like a 5 star restaurant, perfect all white walls with décor to match, a magazine style kitchen, a never messy playroom and laundry that is always done, neatly folded and put away in a manner that all the drawers shut. In fact, after 7 years, I finally decided on a bedspread to purchase because nothing caught my eye that wasn't $400+.  I refuse to spend over $20 on a decoration for my house.  and quite frankly, I hate cleaning.
I was happy in my life.  I had friends everywhere I went.  I relied on my girls night outs.  I was social, I still worked out. I'm not "fat" and I can make quite a few worthy meals of inviting important people over for dinner. In my Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, I am a Happy, funny, healthy, always on the go person.
Lets fast forward to this year. Well, last year as of a few days ago.  We left our neighborhood, we accepted a job more north, we were starting again, fresh, clean slate.  I was ok with it, I had done it 18 other times and by now, I was pretty dang good at exploring, make new friends and being "Perfect."
I got a big fat slap in the face wake up call.  We live in the boonies.  My closest neighbor is a single guy who lives a mile and a half away, double that distance, and older couple, 5x that distance, finally a family.  Then that is pretty much it for 25-30 miles plus.  Our branch boundaries are 1500 square miles, and the median age for that branch is probably 60-65.  Our primary has probably 6-10 kids in it.  2 are mine, 4 (plus one in nursery) belong to another ranch family. 
Life got rough.  I gained weight like crazy when I got here cause the only thing to do was to find a cool restaurant with delicious food.  It was my out to get me socially inclined to the area.  I heaved myself to these mom blogs and quickly found myself reading and comparing my life for HOURS a day.  I am really not kidding, I am talking HOURS.  I want to make something clear though.  It wasn't just blogs.  It was "everybody else on my feed."  I saw the vacations.  I saw the weight loss. The holidays.  The Birthday parties.  I saw the reunions.  I saw the new houses being built.  The forever homes.  The magazine worthy kitchens.  The date nights.  The gym "gainz."  The hang outs.  The fashions.  Summed up, I saw the life I didn't/couldn't have.  My depression (I assume its depression, I still refuse to go to a dr) hit hard, across the face, black eye, right square in the gut.  So I continued to look at the sites and peoples "social" lives for hours a day. 
New Years Eve hit me the hardest. Every single friend was posting their "perfect" lives of 2016.  Every single friend was posting and snapping their new years parties.  And although we had a mini ranch party of our own, it wasn't "perfect."  let me expand on this, cause it was perfect, but it wasn't glitz, glam, dress up, get hair done, play games, laugh til my side hurt, Instagram worthy goodness.  I mean, we were home and ready for bed by 9pm. How dare I share with my friends my night when theirs excelled all expectations, but for the night and the circumstances, it was perfect, for me, my family, and those who attended.  New years eve was also one of my best friends 30th Birthday parties that we were supposed to attend, but circumstances made us miss it. I got a few snaps from the party, everyone hurrahing into the camera, laughing, smiling and having a blast. I threw my phone and started bawling.  BAWLING my eyes out.  It hit me. I was completely jealous and could do nothing about it.  I can't get in a car and drive 6 hours to them, and I couldn't hop on a plane and travel 1500 miles to my other friends.  This was it, this was my life. Alone, at the bottom of a hill, in the middle of nowhere.
From that point forward I made a deal with myself.  If I worked on myself and didn't "wish" for a better life, my hell, I would have a better life.  If I saved money, I could  have a summer of my friends.  If I worked on the beauty of the life I HAVE, it won't seem so bad.  If I go out and plan the girls nights, surely I would have some friends soon.  If I take these steps, pretty soon I would have the Instagram worthy feed, not because I am rich or an unrealistic life full of nannies and sponsors, but because it is what I made my life.  I might not have a million followers, and that's perfectly fine with me.  I want people to know ME.  Not the me who these social sites are making me be.  Dropping all my money on a fashion closet from Nordstrom is not something that will make me happy, it will make me broke.  BUT, watching my sweet girl dance her heart out and my sweet boy do his boy things, that is money I am happy to spend, because it brings joy to everybody in my family. 
What I am trying to say, I guess I made some goals for 2017.  I am going to live MY life.  I am going to travel, but not to Dubai.  I am going to get fit, but not to be a fitness model.  I am going to be happier, healthier and laugh more.
and thanks for reading this far if you have, because the thought in my head aren't what everybody wants to read. thank you.