Goodbye 2016!

I have heard from so many people that they are ready to see 2016 go.  Although it wasn't the most magical year, I still loved it.  Although there were trials and heartaches and disappointments, there were also a lot of highs and memories. 

We started the year off with Jase starting, doing and completing his thesis for his Masters.  We had some good weather down in South Texas and only had a few VERY cold days.  Kendyl changed schools and went to such an amazing classroom that started her learning career in a good way and jumpstarted her success.  I finished work at the center, and magically stopped getting so sick every 2 weeks.  My best friends had babies, got married, and bought houses.  I ran races, made more friends, made memories and said goodbye to some of the best girls ive ever known.  We accepted a job STILL in Texas and made the big move.  We went on a vacation for a month in Utah.  We partied, swam, laughed, danced, and had the time of our lives there. We sure love and appreciate our Utah summers. 

K bug lost more teeth and started Kindergarten here in our new town.  E-bow has enjoyed having mom to himself and playing all day long. Jase got bucked off his horse and found himself in the ER, then back to Utah for surgery.  I'm sure he is happy to see this year go. We made a few new friends and have been enjoying the smiles on our faces again.  Although I am not surrounded by a ton of people, I am learning to work on my self worth and image.

We had a wonderful Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Jases sweet Aunt Tammy passed away after a valiant fight of cancer.  We took on 26 chickens, 5 bottle calves and basically 2 cats.  We are now down to 15 chickens, 3 bottle calves and 1 cat.

We have big plans for 2017, although they are more mine than anything.  We want to be more adventurous, more brave, and more giving.  We want to work on our parenting.  We want our kids to take risks and become more grateful.  We are sad and happy to see 2016 go, but we are ready for 2017.

Week 3 Macros

Starting weight: 146.2
Current weight: 143.2
I have lost a total of 3 pounds.  Some would be thrilled, some would be sad, but I am perfectly ok with the scale going down instead of up.  This is the Christmas season where there are treats and parties galore!  People go to dinner and eat out a lot more than normal because they are out and about and not at home.
I have splurged a bit, and I am ok with that.  I made some treats with chocolate and m&ms, and chex and pretzels and candy cane and I just couldn't pass it up.  you know what, that is ok!  We also ate out but I made sure I made healthy choices.  Instead of fries I got steamed veggies.  And instead of blowing the entire day, I ate healthy and prepared for a night out.
My workouts are actually going great.  I am getting strong and I have better endurance.  I am still feeling the "burn" and the day after leg shakes and arm aches.  To be honest though, working out was never the hard part for me.  I love to workout, I just didn't know how to treat my workouts with food.  My mindset was workout = go ahead and have that treat, you earned it!
Anyway, for the weekend of Christmas I took 2 days off of working out, and I ate my cookies, my fried food, my brownies, my steak, my greasy cheesy potatos, and my pumpkin pie.... so I KNOW there wont be a down weight with the next weigh in.  And it might even go up a pound or so.  BUT, Monday morning I got right back to counting my macros and working out with some new gear I got for Christmas.

Week 1 with macros

Stats:
Starting weight : 146.2
Current Weight: 144.4

Feelings:  I feel great.  I only had munchies a few times.  I had to make a group lunch for my husbands branding day.  We had cookies, chips, rolls, all the good stuff.  I caved and had a little handful of chips and 1 soft gingerbread cookie.  That night we went to a concert at the Silos and ate my share of Kettle corn but opted out of pizza, grilled cheese, hot chocolate etc.  Instead we hit up Chik-Fil-A after and got a grilled chicken sandwich. Then the next night we had our church Christmas party.  I kind of knew going into it that I could eat as much ham as I wanted, 1 small potato. limit my rolls and salad! Well, I had a few rolls, 1 hot chocolate and a quarter piece of cake.  I came out happy and full.

Non Scale Victories:  I was able to wear my skinny Jeans to the concert WITH a pair of stretchy under armour pants underneath, and I was comfortable.  That is BIG, cause normally I want to just wear sweats lol!  I also worked out 5 days this week! And I logged pretty much all my food and stayed so dang close to my macros.  If I ever went over it was only by a few grams.

I had the munchies last night and wanted something sweet so dang bad.  I decided I wanted to make a banana ice cream and throw in some Strawberry IdealFit protein powder and fruit.  Well, I was so dead beat tired and lazy, I skipped it all together and went to bed.

All together my first week was not as hard as I thought.  There were times where I had to opt for a salad instead of a full blown taco, but with enough salsa, I was in heaven anyway.

How to start with Macro Counting

I am really really confused with things easily.  I have been reading about Macros for literally 3 months and didn't do it because something just didn't make sense.  It seemed really hard and something I didn't want to mess with. I am going to explain this at a "dumbed down" level, because that is really what I needed.
First off you need to calculate how many Macros you need in a day.  You can go to trainers, etc, but I found an online calculator HERE.  I knew I needed about .8 grams of protein per pound that I weigh. Don't worry, this calculator does the math for you.  It will also tell you the carbs and fat you need as well. 
So this diet is pretty much counting calories, BUT, it is counting where the calories come from.  I guess this sentence is what made it click for me.  So for me, on my workout days, I am reaching for 1505 Calories. Broken down, I need 162 G Carbs, 120 G Protein and 42 G fat.
I then downloaded myfitness pal. I decided to buy the advanced version so it would literally have a graph for me of where I am at throughout the day as I enter my food.  You can go in and manually set your macros goals.
What I love about MyFitnessPal app is that the database of food is crazy big.  Going to Chick fil A, on the app.  Going to pretty much any restaurant is on the app.  And, for the food I have in my home, it has a scanner so I just scan, set how much I eat and move on. You can also enter recipes where it will break it down for you per serving as well.
I am only on day 3 of this. I am still learning and I will share ALL the helpful tips and hints as I learn them.  I also suggest following Macro counters on Instagram, and get on pinterest and start pinning. 
One other thing that scared me was usually people counting macros are eating some weird stuff that I know my family will not touch.  This isn't the case with everyone.  Usually at dinner time I see how much of each catergory I have left.  The other night I had barely any carbs at all left.  We were having tacos.  I obviously could not have a tortilla, so I opted to put my 2 oz of taco hamburger on about 2 cups of lettuce.  I opted for no cheese but could have about 3/4 cup of salsa.  (guys, I seriously love salsa). 
I also use a protein shake from IdealFit HERE as well as a pre workout drink and BCAAS. Their protein is SO dang good.  The only flavor I haven't loved is the strawberry, but once I mixed with Almond milk and some frozen fruit, it was so much better.  It is not at all chalky and fills me up for quite a while.
I will continue to update this journey as I keep going!!

Life should be a Party

This post is about to get very vulnerable.  Like, my feelings to the T.  And I don't care if I offend anyone.
Life sometimes really truly sucks.  Its hard being a mom.  It's hard dieting.  Its hard being a hunters wife.  It's hard being a ranchers wife.  Its hard living in the boonies.  It is hard to live a few THOUSAND miles from family and best friends.  It is hard to think up menu plans.  In laws are hard.  Family problems are hard. And compromising with your husband is hard.  and the worst, comparing myself to others.
I have never wanted to let people know how hard some things are.  I never want people to see me sad.  I never want people to look back and say "I knew Tayler, she was always sad."  or "Tayler never wants to do anything." etc.
I look back at my life and I really find myself looking up to those people who "stood out."  They threw the parties.  They laughed at everything.  They were adventurous, funny, KIND, and always lifted me up. 
Although I fall short of many many many of these things, I truly do care about other people.  I care how they are feeling. I care if they are having a fight with someone.  I care if they are going on a Vacation. I want people to feel my happiness.  I want them to feel my need to celebrate every damn thing.  National cookie day, PARTY.  Easton is potty trained, PARTY.  Thanksgiving, nobody is traveling to see us, PARTY.
I want my kids to know that no matter the circumstance, there is always always always something to celebrate.  I look at it as, looking at the bright side of things.  Peoples feelings matter.  Everything in this world can be replaced.  But the way you make people feel is the MOST important thing.  People will NEVER forget how YOU made them feel. 
SO yes, my life is all about a party and I am 100% ok with that.  I would rather celebrate everything, than skip things that could have become a favorite memory. Memories last a lifetime.  So please, go make a memory with your family, friends and kids.  Get out of your comfort zone and realize others may need to see the bright side coming from you to see the bright side of things for them.

Starting Macros

I have figured out my Macro counts and I started with them yesterday.  I am using My Fitness Pal ( the advanced version) to track the macros.  So far it isn't terribly hard.  But I do find my self not hungry at all. I literally am coming into this eating less that 1000 calories a day and having to up them to about 1500 calories, all while staying within my carbs, fats and proteins.
I am also having a hard time eating carbs without gorging on bread.  I know I can cook up some rice and beans and tortillas and such, but I haven't gone grocery shopping.
So I am starting today at
GULP:
146 pounds.

I will do another weigh in every 2 weeks and post my progress here.  I will also get a starting picture up asap.

Our cow Sweetheart

Isn't it crazy how attached to animals you get?  We had this sweet guy for about 6 weeks.  He made a way into our heart and left a big fat stamp. 
On Tuesday I was working out and noticed that the calves (Sweetheart and Knucklehead) didn't leave my front porch area pretty much all morning.  Although this isn't a red flag, I decided to go out and say hello and give them their morning rub downs before I took them their milk.  Knucklehead just stared at me out of concern and Sweetheart was curled up in a ball hall under the deck.  I rubbed his back and noticed he was pretty hot, kind of like a fever. I also noticed he didn't even lift his head.
I ran to get some milk and he still didn't lift his head.  Knucklehead barged in and wanted his milk so I took him around back so I could help the sick calf.  I pulled him out and helped him stand up, where he immediately fell back down.  With a broken heart, I pulled up a pumpkin (yes, we have yet to carve them from Halloween) and sat on it so I could prop his head up while holding the bucket...
Jase brought home an antibiotic and he was well enough to move about the yard by that night.
The same cycle happened through Friday morning.  Only Friday morning he wouldn't even suck on his milk and was back to falling over when I picked him up.  Jase brought home the bottle with a tube and we stuck it down to his belly for the next few feedings.  We switched up the antibiotic after talking with the vet.
Sadly Saturday morning, it was so cold and so rainy.  We found Sweetheart in the corner of the property and brought him up to the porch.  We toweled him off and I sat with a heat lamp for about an hour or so.  I bawled my eyes out just thinking of the outcome.  I also froze my Hiney off since I was sweaty from a workout and went outside right after.
We decided to bring him inside so we weren't all miserable in the cold.  Kendyl wanted to say a little prayer for him.  In the prayer she said "Please bless Knucklehead won't be lonely" and I lost it.  Literally not 5 minutes later he let out a big sigh and he was gone.
We cried like babies. Every single one of us.
Jase went a dug a hole with one working shoulder in the pouring rain.  Knucklehead won't leave the corner where he last saw Sweetheart.  Let me just say, he has never ever mooed. He is mooing up a storm. My heart is broken.  We will forever miss that cow.  We sound crazy. We live on a Ranch. But dang it, us ranchers care for these animals like family.  We would never ever let them live in less that perfect conditions. Love you Sweetheart.....

Christmas in my mouth

Do yourself theeee biggest favor and go purchase this like right now....go, now.  I'm sure they sell  it everywhere. I found it at Walmart.  See, this is why I should NOT live so far from town.  I shopped today, ate it on the way home, then hid the last little bit in my pantry.  I know it will be gone by the season premiere of Fixer Upper.  So now I am finding reasons why I need to drive 25 miles to the nearest grocery store to buy myself some more.

Merry Freaking Christmas Taste Buds..... Happy Freaking Holidays hips! lol

Love Always WIns

I don't care if you take this quote in light of Black Lives Matter.  Or with Same Sex Marriage.  Or to Bullying.  Or to the Trump protestors.  Or whatever you want to apply this to, do it.  Its so true, Love Always Wins.

I briefly read a story that happened here in Waco, Texas at Baylor University.  I honestly didn't read the whole thing, I just skimmed it and assume I have the story.  A young black student was walking to class when someone shoved her off the sidewalk and called her the Nasty N word.  In support, 300, THREE HUNDRED, students showed up and walked her to class.  I cried for 2 reasons through this story.  1, how cruel and dark and terrible people behave. And 2, how people stepped up and showed this person it is NOT ok, and showed this young girl that people have her back.  I am so proud of each one of those 300 people.  I so wish I knew about it so I could go walk her to class as well.  TO be there, to be the light. 

I am so saddened that my children have to grow up in a world with so much hate and disgust.  When and why did it change from when I was little. 

I grew up in Layton, Utah, and to be honest, the black population was very very slim to none.  Never once did I ever even think to treat one of them differently.  Not once did I deny a friendship.  Not once did their skin color change anything about the way I saw them vs a white person. 

I want my kids to grow up and KNOW that Love is the answer.  I will not stand for bullying.  I will not stand for anything but respect and love for other people and animals.  I want them to know that I want them to be kind.  I want them to never judge.  I want them to stand up for others.  I want them to be role models.  I don't care what Religion, Ethnicity, gay or straight, car choice, sport choice, anything, everybody deserves the right to be respected and loved.  I will try every dang day to be an example to them and SHOW them that these rules stand.  I may be terrified of what will happen at school, the playground and out in public, but I want to know my kids are making the world a better place by spreading LOVE, Kindness, Manners and Gratitude.

I challenge the same for each of you.

Also, ANY love always wins shirts in my shop will get 30% off for LIFE. Just mention you read this when you order!  ♥♥

I guess secrets do kill you

I don't know exactly where I left off in my story.  I don't like to visit that chapter of my life often.  I do know that writing is healing.  I think I am pretty much healed, but every once in a while, something knocks me down and I am overcome with a wave of emotion.  I think Birthdays and Holidays are the hardest.  Not for me, I mean yes for me, but in a different way. 
My mom and dad have to spend Holidays alone.  My moms family has completely abandoned us.  My mom and dad stood by our side through it ALL.  She lost her sisters, her dad, her mom.  She lost some extended family members.  She lost friends who were like family.  ALL BECAUSE OF THIS MONSTER. 
I remember when the man got arrested and it all became real for my aunt.  Not once did she say oh my gosh I am so sorry.  Not once did she ask if we were ok.  The words that came out of her mouth were "Who is going to pay my house payment."
I get financial status is a thing.  It keeps people in terrible relationships.  It brings out gold diggers.  It really is the thing if you make or break it in life.  I get why she said it.....but not one single concern about me or my sister?  Not one?  Not a phone call. Nothing. All we got was, Don't ever speak to me or my family again.
My mom was right.  If her sister found out what her husband had done, her sister would hate her. Not once did she look and say, wow, they held this back to protect me for an entire year.  They thought of our kids, me, my financial situation. Not once. 
It was probably immediately, maybe a couple hours that my grandpa turned on us too.  Then slowly my other aunt, who  had all that cousins our age who were our best friends.  She wasn't downright not talking to us, but she said some VERY hurtful things that I will NEVER forget. She blamed it on "Well if those girls didn't wear bikinis at the cabin" (the cabin was at a beautiful lake that everyone boated, swam, etc.)   WHHHHAAAAATTTTTT?????  I'm still waiting for that apology..
Anyways, with the holidays coming up, my anxiety is getting higher, and I know my moms is too.  I appreciate her so much and the sacrifices she has been through to protect us.  She lost her entire family, and we still tried to protect this man through court dates.....

Show you care

Its easy to get caught up in your own lives, your own friends and forget about those that matter most to you.  Sometimes those that matter most to you are secretly falling apart inside and don't know how to reach out and ask for help or attention.  We see this in all walks of life.  From suicide threats down to the girl/guy that post anything and everything on social media.  Sometimes it is as simple as them pulling back from their normal behavior is a red flag.  If you have that friend that used to post everything they ate, said, did, and then all of a sudden they are posting next to nothing if at all, it is probably time to reach out.  Not only in social media, but through text, phone calls, smiles, anything.  I have seen it time and time again with friends and family.  The sad thing is, 9 times out of 10, something is going on, and someone NEEDS to reach out. 

I am usually a happy girl that makes friends easily.  I love hanging out and making friends into family.  I love to show off my cute kids (who doesn't) and share my life on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat.  I move, and I move a lot, so I think I am so into it, as a way to say "Hey everyone I have met, know, left, I am here and this is our life and please don't EVER forget us."

I have noticed I am not smiling as much as I used to. I have noticed I am not putting myself out there as much.  I noticed relationships slipping through my fingers and I feel helpless because I feel they are too far gone for help.  I have been reached out to by so many people.  SO many people have called and asked about my life. They have offered to let me let out all my frustrations.  They have let me vent and cry.  They have checked up on me and I am SO VERY THANKFUL. I am slowly but surely pulling myself out of this deep dark pit that I have got myself into.

With all that, I have realized that some people don't know how to help, how to ask, how to deal with someone who is pulling back and having bizarre behavior. 

1- CALL THEM.  Don't ask their family members how they are doing, don't ask a friend, pick up the phone and CALL THEM.  They will tell you what they want you to know about them and their feelings. Don't call to talk about other people.  Don't call to update them about EVERYBODY else YOU have been keeping up with besides them.  Ask about their lives, their childrens lives, the important things and the non important things. Ask how their kids extra curricular activities are.  ASK

2-TEXT THEM If calling is too scary (which I totally underdstand) simply send a text. a heartfelt message or just a simple, hey I was thinking about you.  This will move mountains in their life.

3- Send a Letter-  Who else loves a simple card in the mail.  Anything besides bills and junk mail. 

4- Pay attention-  It simply is as easy as that.  Take note of their likes and dislikes.  Their favorite music, food, treat, or how weirdly they love something quirky.  Take note!

5- MAKE PLANS-  Make a big plan or a simple plan with them.  It can be so simple. Things like, Hey can I call you tomorrow, are you busy?  Can we go get lunch?  Can we come visit?

6- Appreciation- Day in and day out, moms do not feel appreciated.  Like all the work they are doing means nothing to anybody.  They are tired, fed up, need a shower, and everybodys problems come before their own.  Call and tell them they are doing a dang good job.  Tell them the things they don't notice for themselves.  Tell them something they are doing right.  Tell them how hard they are working.

7- Send them something funny because laughter is hilarious and I truly believe it cures so many heartaches.  When you come across something that makes you laugh, share it, because you never know who else needs that laugh.

8- ASK-  Ask how their big event went. Ask how their child's birthday went.  Ask how they new recipe turned out that they wanted to try.  Ask how their talk went.  Ask if they are feeling better after a sickness.  Just ask.....

Not one single thing in this list costs money.  Not one single thing takes too much time or effort if at all.  You know what it will do though, SHOW SOMEONE YOU CARE AND LOVE THEM.  I believe that is all we all really need.  We are human and we need attention.  Please reach out to an old friend. Please reach out to a family member.  Please just reach out, because you really could save someone from having a terrible hour, day, week, month, year.  Don't deny that it doesn't make you feel loved and needed when someone reaches out.

 As Ellen says, Be kind to one another.  That is what life is all about.

Happy Sixth!

I cannot even say how proud I am of you!  Not only today, but every single day.  Every single day you amaze me and knock my socks off!  You are So smart. Like really really smart.  You are Beautiful.  Not only on the outside, but your beauty shines out of your heart and soul as well.  You radiate beauty, that I know will last a lifetime.  You are kind, oh so kind, with a heart of gold. You have a tenderness to your soul, that I know will take you places and touch so many lives for the good.  You have been my right hand girl since day one, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  You are so funny and you are amazing!  Thanks for taking all these moves like a champ.  Thanks for helping me with anything.  Thanks for offering your giant hugs.  Thanks for making me realize what life is all about!  I love you, Bug!

You love turkey and cheese sandwiches with just mustard.

You are obsessed with unicorns and dolphins.

You kind of want to cut your long gorgeous hair.

You have lost 4 teeth, and 2 more wiggly ones.

You take dance (Jazz) and love it.

You are all things girl.

Halloween 2016

Man did Halloween just drag on and on this year for you?  I mean, I am a total Halloween junkie, but by the time the actual 31st came, I was just kinda like, blah.  Don't get me wrong, I had a total blast!  We went trick or treating with some friends! We dressed up! I loved watching the kids run from house to house and get so excited! 
We had a ward Halloween party with fun games. 
We went to McLane Stadium at Baylor University and did their spooktacular event.  Note to the wise, I will NOT be attending that one again.  We had to pay to get in.  Then it was just a bunch of businesses there that had you throw a bean bag through a wood pumpkin mouth and then woo hoo you go a sucker!  They DID have paint your own pumpkin, which was SO cute and fun, but hey, they paint is wet, and I was not taking that home.  They did also have the good donut shop there doing donut on a string.  But in the end, $30 to get it, we could have painted a bigger pumpkin at home and got a few dozen donuts. It was fun to be there and see the stadium, but you couldn't even go down into the seats to get a good picture of the fam by the field. Soooo, it was kind of a big waste of money.  Some cities do this same thing for FREE, and you get better candy!
The kids picked their costumes this year. With K being a Unicorn and E being Buzz Lightyear! Kendyls hair was SUCH a blast to do!  I will do a tutorial in a bit!  It is perfect for Halloween or crazy hair day at school!

 He was SO dang grumpy All night long! He would get a piece of candy and hand it right back!

 He cheered up a bit when he got to see the field though!

My mantle November

Cotton wreath:  I made it, BUT you can get one from Magnolia Market, and get 10% off if you sign up for their emails here

Felt Ball Garland:  Seriously, check out Hello MayPole! She is the cutest girl out of Salt Lake City Utah. She has felt balls for every occasion.  I met her at Silobration, and I bought this one (THAT JOANNA GAINES BOUGHT AS WELL) and a Christmas one.  Seriously, I am obsessed.  My kids LOVED helping me thread them, making a pattern, helping me hang them.  Go visit her right here.

Thankful Garland: GO TO TARGET DOLLAR SECTION

T letter: I have loved this store since, well, forever.  They have the most fun unfinished wood crafts! Seriously, frames, holidays, décor, letters, EVERYTHING.  visit them here

I did my photography in the family picture
 and the lyric quote, I made that as well.  If you would like any lyric quotes, please contact me! I make them customized to your liking!

Am I Enough

I think a big question on my mind lately is, Am I Enough?  Enough as in, am I doing enough, am I trying enough, and am I happy enough, etc.  Being a ranchers wife is hard.  Not like, ugh, we fed so many cows today, because caking the cows is one of my favorite things to do.  It is hard as in, I am a people person.  I LOVE being in crowds, being in the city, seeing people and seeing things.

I also really LOVE Texas, like crazy love.  If I had the option to pack up and move right now, I probably wouldn't take it.  In fact, I have told many people I am not leaving unless we get a crazy pay raise, or we get to go back to Utah.

I am having the hardest time making friends up here in Central Texas.  I have a few friends, but it is still just in the early stages where I am uncomfortable to show my crazy self just yet.  Not a single person here knows how much I love to have girls night, how much I love singing and dancing, and laughing until I am crying, making jokes, playing pranks, and my love for Disney.  They don't know that I have a love for chips and salsa that would make any grown man say, did you really just eat ALL that salsa?  They don't know my love of gathering of families and relaxing and talking and just being real with eachother.

All of this trying to make friends thing has really put me in the slumps lately, to be honest.  I even sometimes think I have a case of depression.  I hate to say it, because the lifestyle I am living, is SO many peoples dream.  And although I appreciate their dream, because I am living it, and I am so grateful, it just isn't MY dream.  So many people say, but you have such a big beautiful house.  This is also true, and I LOVE my house. I have loved decorating it, and living in it, and having space.  I just have nobody to share it with.  My mantle can be the most beautiful thing in the world, but I have nobody to see it.

I think social media is really hard on me while I am here for sure.  All I see is all my friends getting together and hanging out. Smiling, laughing, making the same ridiculous faces I would in a selfie.  I see friends getting their kids together for birthday parties and play dates, and picnics and preschool.  I see families visiting each other, going to movies, having dinner together, having holiday parties, going shopping.  I see my friends going on dates. DATES!  They simply drop their kids off at one of their parents or siblings houses and GO ON A DATE.  I can count on 1 hand how many dates Jase and I have been on in the 7 and a half years we have been married.  Literally, 1 hand, that is 5 fingers. 

I guess I am searching for attention, as some would say.  I have a need for people in my life, and it is slowly chipping away at my happy heart.  If I had it my way, I would have people at my house every single day.  We would have game nights, dance parties, heart to heart talks, watch movies, tell jokes, make fun of each other and become so close, it is like we are family. 

But am I enough to be able to get that back one day?  Am I enough where people even want to hang out with me.  Am I enough that people want to learn from me and me learn from them?  Am I enough, or am I just lost somewhere in this universe.  Do I matter?  Do my friends miss me like my heart aches for them? 

I know i need to try harder and that is what I am going to do for sure.  I know I need to realize that other peoples  happiness cup gets filled at home with their family. I mean, mine does as well, but i still need a social life. 

Favorite things

I get asked ALL THE TIME what I do to whiten my teeth.  Plus White 5 Minute Speed Whitening Gel!  That is my secret, and here is the best part, it costs like $7 at Walmart!

This comes in 2 different boxes.  I get the one that has the rinse as well.  It is like $2 more.  Then it comes with its own mouth piece. Toss the mouth piece, it is garbage! I head over to sporting goods and get myself 2 football mouth guards that I can boil  then shape to my mouth. they are like 99 cents each.

It says to use it everyday. I use it probable 3 times a week for about 3 weeks then I just do maintenance of about once a week. 

All I do it put the gel on my teeth then place the mouth guards on.  The best place and time to do it is in the shower.  You might drool in the mouth guards, so just drool in the shower! I make sure I leave it on for at least 10-15 minutes.  Then I spit, rinse, and be done!

It is seriously so easy.  I love it so much more than Crest White Strips. Those suckers are annoying because they slide all over my teeth.

You can pick them up at Walmart next time you are there, or you can just order it

Here

or

Here 

(Amazon is a little more expensive, but it is a prime item).

Don't mind my bushy eyebrows, lol, I promise I waxed them right after this!

I cried until my head hurt...

I remember it was St. Patrick's Day, 8th grade.  We had been learning about sex abuse in health class.  Ms. Buoy was my teacher.  My parents had known about everything for about 6 months or so at this point.  Everything was still a secret though.  We could not let my Aunt find out.  It would crush her, ruin her, and she would hate us.  My parents had confronted the man and everything was actually going good.  No offenses had been made.  No more being totally scared.  The only thing that hurt was hiding it from our Aunt.  Everybody was walking on egg shells at all times.
Why though.  Why would we keep it from her?
They had been going through a sexual abuse case of their own.  Protecting their daughter from the babysitters son.  You guys, we were babysitting for this man while he went to court to go scream, yell and try to get this boys life ruined, all while he came home and did the same/worse than the boy.  During the court hearings, counseling all everything they went through, we babysat a lot. Hence, why things happened more and more.  Also, I mean, their child couldn't go back to the babysitters house right?  We had my grandpa on board with us, wanting to get us into self defense classes.  He came to some counseling sessions.  He supported us and helped watch us with a close eye.  My grandma was also on board.  Helping us, watching us and supporting us.  My mom and dad were amazing through it.  Protecting us day in and day out. They must have really scared the man because all things stopped immediately. We were also ALL on board with keeping this from the Police, and my aunt.
So back to 8th grade.  We were learning about all the different kinds of abuse in class.  It triggered something in me.  My pot boiled over and I could not hold back emotion.  Later that day, while sitting in a cold room on a cold hard chair in science class, I broke down. I let it out. I just started bawling, in the middle of class.  And the more I cried the more I realized how ridiculous I looked for randomly bursting out in tears, and then I cried more. My teacher probably thought someone died. I died, teacher, I just boiled over and died.
I was sent to the counselor to talk about my problems and to call my mom and to figure myself out. I broke down and told the counselor everything. How he violated me for a year and a half.  How I held it in for so long. How I wasn't strong anymore and I just needed someone outside to know. I had to get it all out, and that is exactly what I did.  Another verbal vomit all on this innocent lady in her office.  I felt better.  I got it out. Someone else knew my secret.  Then the bad news, she was required to tell legal officials. My mom had already been called and she was on her way to the school. 
Again I felt alone, scared and like I had made the terrible mistake.  You see, the perpetrators have a  manipulation of turning everything around and that we will be the ones who get in trouble. Everything was about to change.  My cousins would grow up without a dad.  My aunt would hate us.  Everything was ruined because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Everything felt like my fault.
On some grace of mercy, because my mom is amazing at what she does and how she does things, we convinced this counselor that everything had been taken care of and no legal authority needed to be called.  This counselor could have lost her job this day, but we thank her with all our hearts for not involving the police yet. Now was not the time.
I cried so hard that day.  I will never forget. I always say March 17 is my anniversary of my verbal vomit.  It isn't a day of wearing green for me, it is a day to protect others and reflect on my past.  The day I humiliated myself at school for crying uncontrollably, and almost let our secret out.
Another day went by, and I was letting my uncle get away with sexually abusing me.

What doesn't kill us, Defines us

-1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse;

-Children are most vulnerable to CSA between the ages of 7 and 13

Sometimes as a kid, or even adults, bad things happen.  Sometimes those things are so bad it breaks apart families.  Sometimes, it ruins you.  Sometimes, you get so caught up in the whirlwind, you act out, or shut down. And sometime, you decide to fight and win.  Then many many years later, you still can't make sense of it.

As a child, I was sexually abused by an uncle.

OH MY GOSH, I HAVE NEVER ADMITTED THIS OUT IN THE OPEN BEFORE!

and my body is shaking and I'm nervous and scared and tears are rolling down my face.

But why, this is part of my story and it is a chapter in MY book. It shaped me, it made me learn so much.  I realized how cruel this world can really be.  I realized how amazing this world really is.

I remember the day it all came out.  Like a big pile of admission vomit that was out that I couldn't clean up.  It had been happening for about a year and a half, and getting more and more frequent, and more violent.  Nobody knew, except my sister and the man. 

It happened alone at his home.  It happened in his car when he would pick us up to babysit.  It happened in my own home, at my grandfathers cabin, and at an amusement park and even sitting down to dinner at a restaurant with many of my family members around.

.NOT A SOUL KNEW.

I remember sitting at dinner one day at a restaurant.  We all got seated together.  Our family, their family. I chose the end seat that faced the wall.  Our family on one side, their family on the other.  The man sat across from me. Out of all the seats, he chose mine. Was it intentional, i'll never know.  Towards the end of dinner, and remind you, it was summer time and I was wearing shorts, his foot began to slide up my leg. Starting at the ankles, and moving up towards my knees.  I'm sure I was starting to sweat with fear that this was really happening again, in front of my family.  I was scared.  What I would have done to just scream, throw my water in his face, stand up and run out. But I was trapped.  Trapped because I was scared.  Trapped because I felt violated.

As his foot made his way past my knees and started to creep even higher on my thighs I think I honestly just stared at him. Maybe I looked away. I acted like nothing was happening.  His foot made contact with my lady parts and swirled around as to try and arouse me.  I wanted to throw up.  I wanted to literally vomit all over. And this man, he enjoyed it. He enjoyed hurting me in a way that he will NEVER know.  The effects that these moments had on me still haunt me to this day.

I was a victim of child sex abuse. And I let my abuser get away with it.

When you look good, you feel good

I am a woman on a fitness journey.  I am SO sick of being jiggly.  I am not fat by any means, but per the charts, I am over weight.  I am not comfortable. I want to be strong.  I want to be confident. I want to be proud of myself. 

Ever since I can remember, I have been on a diet. Like literally, probably before I was 12.  My nickname growing up was "Two Ton Tayler."  Although I know those who called me it probably meant no harm, it still hurt, and messed with my brain.  In highschool I hit a little growth spurt and took some yoga and played softball and stopped eating.  I was the smallest I ever thought I could be. I literally lost like 20 pounds, in the summer.

It wasn't like I said to myself, don't eat, you will get so fat. I was more saying to myself "you don't NEED to eat."  I remember thinking, wow, I haven't eaten since yesterday morning.  Other times I would think, wow, I only had a small bowl of cereal today. I am not going to lie, those compliments felt SO good.  I was getting compliments from people I never spoke to, or people I didn't even think noticed me.  And here is the reality, at the time, my heaviest was 129. ONE TWENTY NINE.

Not a day went by that I didn't do crunches, lunges, squats and pushups before bed.

I was anorexic, and didn't even realize it...

Fast forward to today, married, two kids later and I have discovered some AMAZING food!  I live in Texas. We have Mexican, tex-mex, Italian, food trucks, Magnolia baking co, cupcake shops, candy stores, ice cream sandwich trucks, and it is ALL. SO. GOOD! First step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one right?

After my first kid, I did 1 program and lost the weight pretty fast.  After my second, I am 3 years out and a measly 3 pounds lighter than the day I brought him home from the hospital.  I get all the pity things of "But oh you look so great" and "but muscle weighs more than fat" and "you ran a half marathon, sometimes women just get bigger."  BULL, BULL, BULL. I am not buying it and I am doing something about it.  RIGHT NOW.

I'm sick of getting dressed and crying as I tuck in my love handles.  I am ready to buy jeans, but thank the lord for sweats and leggings all this time.  I am ready to go to the beach/pool and not hide behind a towel.  And, for my classic, I am done saying, take the picture shoulders up.

It is going to be hard, and I HAVE to dedicate myself. But here I go, on this journey, because it is time to take care of me, and get over all the negative self doubt I have.

Calorie Torching Workout

You guys, I LOVE to workout!  I love it so much that I eat so much with it!  ha ha just kidding, but my husband is a total baked goods fan that it is ALWAYS laying around.  I like to just come out and admit it, first step right?  I have no self control when it comes to baked goods in my house.  And, by baked goods that broadens the spectrum to chips and salsa, ice cream, and nice salty flavorful crackers.  Yep, I can eat fruits and veggies all day long, lean protein, got it, and cut out bread and pasta, DONE.  Chocolate chip cookie, nope, I am already on my second one!

I also follow like 5000 fitness girls on Instagram and I am in a few workout fit ladies groups on Facebook.  I even joined a gym and became friends with an awesome girl on Insta @mommytrainer

Her name is Nicole, follow her, she is pretty legit.

Anyway, here is a little workout I adapted and changed a bit through her!

Grab a towel cause you WILL sweat and get some serious ice water on hand ready to go!

You will need a treadmill, running shoes and some good mood boosting music.  Lately I have been blasting Beyoncé and Taylor Swift, but that's my own choice.

Here it is:

1/4 mile SPRINT (that is 1 time around a track, or .25 miles, or however you count it)

5 Burpees

10 pushups

15 squats (I add weight, but do not feel like you need to)

20 bicycle crunches

Then repeat 12 times.  TWELVE, total of 3 miles!  If you cannot complete 12, like your seeing stars and feeling faint, Please stop and please know that you will do better next time!

Good luck and enjoy your workout!  Then go eat some protein.  Have some egg whites, Ideal Lean protein shake, baked chicken, just get some protein and drink up all day long!

Some new bossy things moved in.....

You guys, I never ever thought I would say such a thing, but we let some animals move in and take over our lives!  We have like 26 chickens, a cow named Knucklehead and a cat named Howard.  The cat and 7 of those chickens are supposed to take care of any and all snakes.  They are paying their rent! as for the other 19, well, some will grow up to be cute (silkies) and the others to produce eggs.  I wont eat them, and I refuse to eat them, but the kids and Jase and hopefully some of our lucky ranch

family will never have to buy eggs again!

We bought an incubator and carefully placed each egg by type of chicken in to their categories.  All I knew was that the silkies were in the bottom right.  We waited anxiously for those 21 days.  I watched over them like a dumb mother hen and threatened my kids not to even touch the incubator. I would hold them up and dangle them in the air to see in there.  I watched the temperature, the humidity, you name it and I was right there telling Jase to increase, decrease, but don't let those dang chickens die.

The day came when my first was born.  He came early, a whole two days early.  Prompt, I like that.  He was my silkie and he was yellow, and already had fuzz on his feet.  He was mine! I loved him, what the heck?  You guys, this is so weird.

The next day, about 5 more hatched then by day 21, we had 19 baby chicks just chirping their way towards happiness.  Chirp, Chirp, Chirp. seriously, ALL. DAY. LONG!  I guess they are cute so they can stay.  We named the first born, LittleFoot. Bug got to name that one. Then we have Hatch, Indy, Buttercup, Michael, and a few poopybutt etc. from the little man who runs this place.  We are on day 3 of them all living and chirping.....I guess they can stay.

Then came the dang cow. I say dang, because baby cows are thee cutest things to brace this earth.  Their eyes and eyelashes are to DIE for!  This one though, he got his name quickly, and its sticking because he is a jerk!  The said little man who runs this house named him knucklehead.  He makes us literally go stand him up to feed him.  Not because he is hurt, or sad, or whatever, but because he is a man! Then...and THEN, when you are done feeding him, or pulling the bottle out to let more air into it, he quickly, very quickly, puts his head between your legs and whips his head up.  He is a jerk.  Oh, and I have also had to wash my sweats 3 times in the last 4 days.  He wipes his milk beard all over me, only in my favorite pants though.  He is a jerk.  He is our knucklehead, don't touch him. I feel kinda bad for Knucklehead.  His mom just left him.  Stranded.  Alone.  probably because he head butted her.  And for any of you newly nursing mom, those suckers are SO sore and SO tender.  I bet she was pissed, and probably cried out in pain and bit her lip and was just pissed. But whatever, he is my crazy cow now!

Happy Birthday to my little man

Easton:
Since the day you were born, you have sent us on a wild roller coaster ride, and I love roller coasters!  I always knew that you would be my strong willed kid, and you have proved me right from day 1.  I tried EVERYTHING to get you to come to this world, but you waited, then you came as your personality persists, FAST and CRAZY!
You've brought so much to our lives.  Such joy, such love, you make us laugh, and you have made me cry, and your sister too! You are so sweet, yet adapted the nickname Beast at such a young age.  It rolls off our tongue now with such ease. 
You are first to always tell me you love me most, and your hugs and kisses melt me.  I know you shouldn't come to my bed at night, but when you sleep through all night in your own bed, I miss you.  I love when you do something and you yell "mom, WOOK."  Or when you see something awesome you scream " wow, wook at that." 
You love macaroni and cheese, and even pump your fist when you get it, but you HATE cheese.  You love juice, and can eat a whole pan of cookies just like your dad.  whenever we are making pizza you say " pizza, pizza" and let out a crazy giggle.  You can eat a whole can of peaches or a whole package of grapes.
Your obsessed with Buzz and Woody and still Baymax.  You have recently found rescue bots and love them too.  You even push an imaginary button on your chest and turn into a boat, car and then back into a robot. 
You have a secret flashlight somewhere in this house.  You make nightly trips to the fridge and will eat said grapes or cracker or anything you can get.
We love you beast, and thanks for making me fall in love with little boys.  Thanks for taking us on this adventure and thanks for making me crazy!

Dear non kindergarten parents.....

yes, is that you? Yes, it's me, checking on my child wondering if she is ok.  Today is my kids first day of Kindergarten.  I mean, she went to pre-k, but see, I worked at the school so I was a few hundred yards away.  This year is just different.  We just moved here, and we know only 1 family for hundreds of miles, and after that city, its thousands of miles.  We cannot just jump in the car and go see grandmas and grandpas, cousins, friends.  We would have to drive 24+ hours.  She is my little girl, so excuse me while I am worried that she is having a good day.  I hope she makes friends and I hope she doesn't have to eat lunch alone.  I hope she finds friends to play with on the play ground instead of sit on a bench and look around at all the other kids who know each other.  Also, we don't live a few miles from the school.  I am a whole 30 miles away, one way.  She got on the bus at 6:05 this morning.  She has never rode a bus before.  She is new at that too.  Besides that, her little brother I pacing around waiting to go get sissy!  He cried, and he cried hard this morning because he misses his best friend!  She is our whole world!
I know how I feel when I go somewhere that isn't familiar with me.  I am shy, I am nervous, and I am scared I won't fit in or make friends.  We have moved 18 times in 7 years.  So why you say, at least my daughter is young and can make friends easily, it is still VERY hard to fit in and VERY hard to make friends while your missing everything you once knew.  Its very hard, because its hard to leave your comfort zone, your inside jokes, your friends, your places you frequent, your memories, and knowing that not one single NEW person you meet will ever know what your life was like. 
We are So excited for the new school year, and to make friends, and to see her laugh and get that gorgeous excited sparkle in her eye.  Please teach your kids to be kind.  Please teach your kids to help one another.  Please practice safety this year.  I wish you all a good school year with lots of learning, growing and exciting times!  May this school year be the best yet and that every child can learn something they will keep with them the rest of their lives! 
On the bright side, I cried my eyes out, but the house is so peaceful today.  I haven't had to break up any fights, and the house is staying kind of put together! ha ha
-The worried parent!

Screw you self doubt!

"What other people think of you ain't none of your damn business." - RuPaul

                                                         

But for real, can we talk about this.  Being a girl in this day and age is such a sucky, yet amazing thing ever.  I cannot speak for all of you, but I can speak for myself, right?  My whole life, whenever I have stepped out of my comfort zone, I have made the best memories and have grown tremendously.  
I was in-between groups of friends and randomly decided to go to a long ago friends wedding reception.  I met up with some old friends who randomly invited me on a trip.  Out of comfort zone #1-I agreed to go and I went!  I met my VERY best friends on this trip, who still keep my grounded and laughing every single day.  They have been my rock and helped me get my life on the right track.  
Through them, I met Jase, and well, lets just say, I would not be where I am today without him.  I have moved all over the country, met countless AMAZING people, and grew up so much.  Let alone I have my family with me and our life is one crazy adventure. 
Here is the thing, I NEVER thought I would be where I am today.  I never thought I'd get married, let alone have kids.  I never thought I would move out of Utah, and here I am, KILLING it.  I never thought I'd have a real true life best friend, and I have several!
So why all this self doubt?  Where did it come from?  COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS! There it is, I said it.  I am THEE worst at comparing myself to others! I'm never skinny enough, funny enough, pretty enough.  I suck at running, doing my hair/makeup, decorating, putting together outfits, you name it, I suck! 
Let me just tell you this story, k? Recently I took up photography.  I did a photoshoot and my client "loved" it, or so she says.  I loved the results, so I am assuming she was telling the truth.  Rumors got around that her sister in law HATED the photos.  She hated my lighting and style.  I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry and give up.  I knew I wasn't the best.  I knew this was probably my 5th photoshoot ever, but her words were eating me alive! Conclusion, I haven't given up, and I've don't many photoshoot that have been featured in weddings, announcements, hung on walls for years to come, I've been featured on huge websites and have total strangers trying to book me.  Am I the best, no, but I'm trying my hardest to become the best that I can be.
Here is the conclusion of my rant here... Ladies, guys, kids, adults, whoever you are, PLEASE can we try to lift each other up instead of put them down?  Please can we work together for happiness.  Lets compliment one another instead of judging each other.  Please.  We have enough to deal with inside our own world of self doubt.  Let's uplift each other.  Let us help each other to step out of their comfort zone and make amazing memories that last a lifetime and have an impact on each other!