Am I Enough

I think a big question on my mind lately is, Am I Enough?  Enough as in, am I doing enough, am I trying enough, and am I happy enough, etc.  Being a ranchers wife is hard.  Not like, ugh, we fed so many cows today, because caking the cows is one of my favorite things to do.  It is hard as in, I am a people person.  I LOVE being in crowds, being in the city, seeing people and seeing things.

I also really LOVE Texas, like crazy love.  If I had the option to pack up and move right now, I probably wouldn't take it.  In fact, I have told many people I am not leaving unless we get a crazy pay raise, or we get to go back to Utah.

I am having the hardest time making friends up here in Central Texas.  I have a few friends, but it is still just in the early stages where I am uncomfortable to show my crazy self just yet.  Not a single person here knows how much I love to have girls night, how much I love singing and dancing, and laughing until I am crying, making jokes, playing pranks, and my love for Disney.  They don't know that I have a love for chips and salsa that would make any grown man say, did you really just eat ALL that salsa?  They don't know my love of gathering of families and relaxing and talking and just being real with eachother.

All of this trying to make friends thing has really put me in the slumps lately, to be honest.  I even sometimes think I have a case of depression.  I hate to say it, because the lifestyle I am living, is SO many peoples dream.  And although I appreciate their dream, because I am living it, and I am so grateful, it just isn't MY dream.  So many people say, but you have such a big beautiful house.  This is also true, and I LOVE my house. I have loved decorating it, and living in it, and having space.  I just have nobody to share it with.  My mantle can be the most beautiful thing in the world, but I have nobody to see it.

I think social media is really hard on me while I am here for sure.  All I see is all my friends getting together and hanging out. Smiling, laughing, making the same ridiculous faces I would in a selfie.  I see friends getting their kids together for birthday parties and play dates, and picnics and preschool.  I see families visiting each other, going to movies, having dinner together, having holiday parties, going shopping.  I see my friends going on dates. DATES!  They simply drop their kids off at one of their parents or siblings houses and GO ON A DATE.  I can count on 1 hand how many dates Jase and I have been on in the 7 and a half years we have been married.  Literally, 1 hand, that is 5 fingers. 

I guess I am searching for attention, as some would say.  I have a need for people in my life, and it is slowly chipping away at my happy heart.  If I had it my way, I would have people at my house every single day.  We would have game nights, dance parties, heart to heart talks, watch movies, tell jokes, make fun of each other and become so close, it is like we are family. 

But am I enough to be able to get that back one day?  Am I enough where people even want to hang out with me.  Am I enough that people want to learn from me and me learn from them?  Am I enough, or am I just lost somewhere in this universe.  Do I matter?  Do my friends miss me like my heart aches for them? 

I know i need to try harder and that is what I am going to do for sure.  I know I need to realize that other peoples  happiness cup gets filled at home with their family. I mean, mine does as well, but i still need a social life.