When you look good, you feel good

I am a woman on a fitness journey.  I am SO sick of being jiggly.  I am not fat by any means, but per the charts, I am over weight.  I am not comfortable. I want to be strong.  I want to be confident. I want to be proud of myself. 

Ever since I can remember, I have been on a diet. Like literally, probably before I was 12.  My nickname growing up was "Two Ton Tayler."  Although I know those who called me it probably meant no harm, it still hurt, and messed with my brain.  In highschool I hit a little growth spurt and took some yoga and played softball and stopped eating.  I was the smallest I ever thought I could be. I literally lost like 20 pounds, in the summer.

It wasn't like I said to myself, don't eat, you will get so fat. I was more saying to myself "you don't NEED to eat."  I remember thinking, wow, I haven't eaten since yesterday morning.  Other times I would think, wow, I only had a small bowl of cereal today. I am not going to lie, those compliments felt SO good.  I was getting compliments from people I never spoke to, or people I didn't even think noticed me.  And here is the reality, at the time, my heaviest was 129. ONE TWENTY NINE.

Not a day went by that I didn't do crunches, lunges, squats and pushups before bed.

I was anorexic, and didn't even realize it...

Fast forward to today, married, two kids later and I have discovered some AMAZING food!  I live in Texas. We have Mexican, tex-mex, Italian, food trucks, Magnolia baking co, cupcake shops, candy stores, ice cream sandwich trucks, and it is ALL. SO. GOOD! First step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one right?

After my first kid, I did 1 program and lost the weight pretty fast.  After my second, I am 3 years out and a measly 3 pounds lighter than the day I brought him home from the hospital.  I get all the pity things of "But oh you look so great" and "but muscle weighs more than fat" and "you ran a half marathon, sometimes women just get bigger."  BULL, BULL, BULL. I am not buying it and I am doing something about it.  RIGHT NOW.

I'm sick of getting dressed and crying as I tuck in my love handles.  I am ready to buy jeans, but thank the lord for sweats and leggings all this time.  I am ready to go to the beach/pool and not hide behind a towel.  And, for my classic, I am done saying, take the picture shoulders up.

It is going to be hard, and I HAVE to dedicate myself. But here I go, on this journey, because it is time to take care of me, and get over all the negative self doubt I have.