Discovering my source to my saddness

To get where I am coming with this post, please read this post HERE
I am going to follow up with a BIG FAT Hallelujah and AMEN, and this is my own story.
Seven days after Jase and I got married, we moved across the country to Florida.  Up to this point, I had never been East of Utah, and besides one trip to Lake Powell with friends for 5 days, I had never gone away without my parents. I relied on Facebook to keep in touch with friends and family.  This is a lot where MY journey started.  I mean, it started a little bit before I met Jase with things like "Phew, that workout kicked my hiney," when I literally ran 1 mile and did 50 crunches. I was thin then ha ha
Within a year we were pregnant, I was sick as all get out, and pretty much bed ridden.  Along came BLOGS of all these awesome new life hacks and things to do.  Followed up by Pinterest, more mom blogs, Instagram and Snapchat. I have watched the Kardashians since season one, along with The Hills, Laguna Beach, and all those shows that made me want to drop everything and run to LA.  BUT, I was smart enough to know that these kids parent were dripping in money and this was also a TV show.  I simply didn't have that.
These blogs were what was so inspiring for me.  They offered awesome crafts I could do for SO cheap, when in reality I ended up spending 5x as much at the store just to get started on that particular craft.  They had amazing recipes, that would "win your family over."  They had fun date night ideas, game night ideas etc.  These were all good things. They really were.  They were shaping me into being a good wife, a soon to be and new mother, and a housewife. 
Since these lifestyle blogs came so popular, so did the NEED to be like these people.  Not only did I WANT to live this way, but the NEED became overwhelming. 
I cannot tell you the amount of boards I have on my Pinterest labeled "Dream Home" "Favorite Recipes" "My style" "Perfect Parent" etc. The sad thing is, I have just as many or more on a locked and private for only me to see.  Should I be embarrassed that these are labeled "For real fatty" for workouts, "Suck it in" for extra low calorie foods and just names that degrade me as an awesome human.
Moving on into my story, we have moved 19 times in 7 years. Nobody in their right mind would expect me to have a Pinterest perfect house after 19 moves.  I now live 45 minutes from a measly little gym, with no nanny, let alone babysitter to go to a gym.  Nobody in my FAMILY expects me to have an Instagram worthy body. Nobody expects me to bake cookies on the daily, make my meals look like a 5 star restaurant, perfect all white walls with décor to match, a magazine style kitchen, a never messy playroom and laundry that is always done, neatly folded and put away in a manner that all the drawers shut. In fact, after 7 years, I finally decided on a bedspread to purchase because nothing caught my eye that wasn't $400+.  I refuse to spend over $20 on a decoration for my house.  and quite frankly, I hate cleaning.
I was happy in my life.  I had friends everywhere I went.  I relied on my girls night outs.  I was social, I still worked out. I'm not "fat" and I can make quite a few worthy meals of inviting important people over for dinner. In my Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, I am a Happy, funny, healthy, always on the go person.
Lets fast forward to this year. Well, last year as of a few days ago.  We left our neighborhood, we accepted a job more north, we were starting again, fresh, clean slate.  I was ok with it, I had done it 18 other times and by now, I was pretty dang good at exploring, make new friends and being "Perfect."
I got a big fat slap in the face wake up call.  We live in the boonies.  My closest neighbor is a single guy who lives a mile and a half away, double that distance, and older couple, 5x that distance, finally a family.  Then that is pretty much it for 25-30 miles plus.  Our branch boundaries are 1500 square miles, and the median age for that branch is probably 60-65.  Our primary has probably 6-10 kids in it.  2 are mine, 4 (plus one in nursery) belong to another ranch family. 
Life got rough.  I gained weight like crazy when I got here cause the only thing to do was to find a cool restaurant with delicious food.  It was my out to get me socially inclined to the area.  I heaved myself to these mom blogs and quickly found myself reading and comparing my life for HOURS a day.  I am really not kidding, I am talking HOURS.  I want to make something clear though.  It wasn't just blogs.  It was "everybody else on my feed."  I saw the vacations.  I saw the weight loss. The holidays.  The Birthday parties.  I saw the reunions.  I saw the new houses being built.  The forever homes.  The magazine worthy kitchens.  The date nights.  The gym "gainz."  The hang outs.  The fashions.  Summed up, I saw the life I didn't/couldn't have.  My depression (I assume its depression, I still refuse to go to a dr) hit hard, across the face, black eye, right square in the gut.  So I continued to look at the sites and peoples "social" lives for hours a day. 
New Years Eve hit me the hardest. Every single friend was posting their "perfect" lives of 2016.  Every single friend was posting and snapping their new years parties.  And although we had a mini ranch party of our own, it wasn't "perfect."  let me expand on this, cause it was perfect, but it wasn't glitz, glam, dress up, get hair done, play games, laugh til my side hurt, Instagram worthy goodness.  I mean, we were home and ready for bed by 9pm. How dare I share with my friends my night when theirs excelled all expectations, but for the night and the circumstances, it was perfect, for me, my family, and those who attended.  New years eve was also one of my best friends 30th Birthday parties that we were supposed to attend, but circumstances made us miss it. I got a few snaps from the party, everyone hurrahing into the camera, laughing, smiling and having a blast. I threw my phone and started bawling.  BAWLING my eyes out.  It hit me. I was completely jealous and could do nothing about it.  I can't get in a car and drive 6 hours to them, and I couldn't hop on a plane and travel 1500 miles to my other friends.  This was it, this was my life. Alone, at the bottom of a hill, in the middle of nowhere.
From that point forward I made a deal with myself.  If I worked on myself and didn't "wish" for a better life, my hell, I would have a better life.  If I saved money, I could  have a summer of my friends.  If I worked on the beauty of the life I HAVE, it won't seem so bad.  If I go out and plan the girls nights, surely I would have some friends soon.  If I take these steps, pretty soon I would have the Instagram worthy feed, not because I am rich or an unrealistic life full of nannies and sponsors, but because it is what I made my life.  I might not have a million followers, and that's perfectly fine with me.  I want people to know ME.  Not the me who these social sites are making me be.  Dropping all my money on a fashion closet from Nordstrom is not something that will make me happy, it will make me broke.  BUT, watching my sweet girl dance her heart out and my sweet boy do his boy things, that is money I am happy to spend, because it brings joy to everybody in my family. 
What I am trying to say, I guess I made some goals for 2017.  I am going to live MY life.  I am going to travel, but not to Dubai.  I am going to get fit, but not to be a fitness model.  I am going to be happier, healthier and laugh more.
and thanks for reading this far if you have, because the thought in my head aren't what everybody wants to read. thank you.