Validation

Validation.  Praise.  Compliments.  Whatever it is, I feel like we all need it.  It feeds to our social behavior.  It helps us be confident, self confident.  I mean, why else would we share our entire lives on social media.  Acceptance.  That what we are doing is "okay" in the world.  That what we are doing is socially acceptable. 
So many times I have heard of people who have deleted something they have posted because it didn't get enough "likes" or "comments" from their followers.  To them it wasn't "socially acceptable."  Was it the way they smiled?  The clothes they picked out?  Or was it that it didn't have the perfect lighting and setting that was socially ok for everybody to like.  Whatever it is, in that moment in time, someone, somewhere, will almost always not feel socially accepted.
It is hard to live in this world.  The trends change so much and so fast.  One week it is cool to dab in all your photos and the next week it becomes an annoyance to others.  One year overalls are the most hideous ridiculous things to wear, and now they are flying off shelves that you cannot get your hands on them.  I have literally been through the overall phase a few rounds in my almost 28 years of life. 
Besides the point, who gets to chose what is in and what is out, what is cool and what is dorky, what is acceptable and what isn't. 
Besides social media, I think validation is a part of our lives that we as humans need.  As I have grown up and become a wife, then a mom, and a friend to many, there are many firsts that I do.  Everytime I make a new recipe I wait for the validation from my family if it was good or not.  Everytime I make a craft project, do a photo shoot or something, I want to know if it is "good"  "cute" "perfect" "if I did SUCH a good job."  Case in point, I need a compliment or some sort of feedback to know what I did was good or what I need to work on. 
The same goes with parenting.  Sometimes I need to know that what I am doing is good. I need to know if I show my love to my kids so much that they know that I love them when I am not around.  I want to know if my lessons I teach them will help them make decisions when I am away.  I want to know that what I am doing now will set us up for success down the road.
I think we all know how it feels when we don't get the praise we expected when we put everything we have into something.  But sometimes I feel like we are our own worst critics. Never do I think I am doing a good enough job. 
But I am here to give each of you a little praise.  Every single person has something about them that I look up to.  There are so many talented friends that I have.  Whether its how you can put together an outfit, how you can apply the perfect makeup, how when you smile, everything is ok.  I am amazed of those that can sing, play an instrument, or sing along to every song and know the words.  I am amazed at how you keep a clean and tidy house at all times, or how you can bake like its your second nature.  How you can do your hair, and make it last.  How you are strong, physically, and emotionally.  How whenever I see you or think of you, I laugh, because we shared such a fun moment in our lives that had my sides hurting from laughing so hard. 
Every single person has something that makes them unique, worthy, and perfect.  Please know that you, yes YOU, have left a lasting impact on someone.  Someone out there looks up to you.  Someone out there needs you.  So please, share your kindness, and please feel a little extra special today, and know that there are people who love you.

The stragest thing

This post comes entirely without pictures...... so if you want a picture, I will try to paint the whole story with words.  Bare with me, I am not the greatest at it.
Back in High School I had this amazing best friend Amy.  She got to travel and I was so dang jealous.  At the time I was (still am) entirely obsessed with beaches.  I loved to collect sand from different beaches around the world.  I had sand in little containers on my shelf in my bedroom.  Places like Hawaii, California, Cancun, Florida, pretty much North America.
One summer my friend Amy was headed to Africa.  She would be visiting Egypt and the Red Sea.  Maybe the dead sea, my geography has gone wayyyyy down.  I could pull out a map, but to be honest, I can't entirely remember if it was for sure Egypt, that is why I added the Dead Sea.  I begged and pleaded for her to bring me sand for my collection.  This would by far be the most "precious" sand of my collection.  The furthest and the most history.  I was stoked.
One summer day, I was in my Honda Accord, maybe my Nissan Sentra.  I switched cars between Sophmore and Junior year. But everything else is so dang clear in my mind.  We met up after her trip with a bunch of girls and were going to go out and hang out.  She handed me the bag of sand and I was thrilled, literally leaping to give her a giant hug.  I couldn't believe I was holding something from so far away, something, to me, so amazing.  We jumped in our cars and I set the sand on my console between the driver and passenger seats. I 100% for a fact know I did. This was so precious to me.
Upon leaving Sunset Drive in Layton and turning left onto Highway 89, somehow, the sand flew out my window.  Like legit, warm summer day, no wind, heavy bag of sand, crossed my path and flew out my window.  I didn't touch it, I didn't see it, but I got a phone call from the car behind us asking why the sand flew out my window.
You guys, I cried and cried.  I felt so bad that Amy brought this precious gift to me, and it was all of a sudden gone.  I cried because I have NO answers.  To this day I lay up at night and literally replay everything in my mind and just wonder how in the heck that sand went from my center console and scattered all over Highway 89.  When people bring up, "What is the strangest thing that has ever happened to you?"  This is hands down it.  I have no answers.  I have no recollection of it flying out the window, across my body, arms turning my car, and out the window.
I am still baffled to this day of HOW it happened.

guys, im really not sad

I have been posting a lot of negative, depression type messages lately and I just want to say I am sorry.  I really am such a happy girl.  I am so dang thankful for so much in my life.  Life sometimes isn't fair and sometimes we are just hanging out waiting for something fun, new and exciting to happen.  Although life cannot and will never be perfect in ALL aspects, I am so thankful for the life I have. 

Jase was out of town for like 4 days a while ago and let me just tell you, the full moon was shining.  E was a little terror, not to mention we were both getting sick so our patience was running very thin.  I literally looked up daycares to take him to.  Anything to help us get a break from each other.  Being a mom that week was SO dang hard.  My house was a disaster.  We literally had waffles every single night. I think I cried every night from being so mentally exhausted with my headstrong 3 year old.

Fast forward to this week when both of our sicknesses hit us head on.  We have snuggled every single day.  For 2 days in a row he let me rock him to sleep.  It is in these moments that I found myself in tears of happiness and joy at just how wonderful my life truly is.  I have a roof over my head.  A car that works.  A husband that works his hiney off.  Two beautiful determined kids. I think while I was rocking him I kissed his little forehead and whispered "I love you" at least 50 times.

I am still Laughing.  I am still telling jokes.  I am still having random dance parties. I am healthy.  I have energy to workout.  And most of all, I have goals you guys.

I am happy.  And I have so much love right now. ♥

So please don't think my latest rants were me being legit depressed.  I'm really not.

Thanks for this happy rant!

No more F word

See this girl, she is seriously like theeeee most precious thing.  She is delicate like a flower and can burst into tears and have her heart broken in an instant.  But like that delicate flower, she brings so much happiness and joy to so many people, every single day. 

It breaks my heart how bullying is already happening TODAY for her.  Some days she would come home in tears because the girls wouldn't let her play because she wasn't wearing a dress that day.  That crushed my heart. 

Now, she has lost a few teeth and it is no secret she will need an orthodontist in the future. She is already getting made fun of for her "weird" teeth. 

I wish I could wrap her up in bubble wrap and keep her from the cruel kids/people in the world. BUT, I have been trying to teach her that EVERYBODY is different, and its a WONDERFUL thing.

After she was born I was (insert F word) F-AT. I worked really hard and got back in shape again.  I had her brother, and I am fat again. I mean really, am I fat, no, but if I compare myself to others, I am, sometimes.  Why can't I take my own advice of everybody is different and it is wonderful.

I found myself weighing literally daily, sometimes twice a day. I work my HINEY off doing different workouts.  I have been angry at my husband for offering an ice cream night after trying on several different jeans that used to fit.

Then I heard it, straight from her mouth.....FAT.

Ugh. no no no no, Bug, please don't ever ever repeat that word.  Please don't get caught up in this whirlwind that has consumed MY life since I was 10. no no no, JUST NO.

By no means am I saying she has body image issues.  She is a string bean and is pretty dang active herself.

Anyway, it hit me, she has been watching me since she was born trying to not be "fat." 

So I stopped that very second.  We no longer use the word fat in this house. like EVER. like ever ever. Never.

I will not let her start seeing people by their appearance.  I will not let her see me with body image issues.  I will not let her get caught up in this crushing lifestyle!

For now on I make sure I use words like I want to be Healthy.  I want to be Strong.  I want my heart to last a long time.  I want to be able to keep up with you kiddos.  I want to teach her that being active and healthy is the best lifestyle.  I want to teach her that fruits are pretty dang good.  I want to teach her that it is ok to indulge on ice cream nights, but we don't need an ice cream night every night.

I want her to spread kindness.  I want her to uplift other girls.  I will not allow bullying in any shape or form.  That include bullying ourselves.

So from now on, The F (fat) word is not allowed.

update on macros 30 ish days in

top picture was taken 1/3/2017

bottom picture 1/10/17

I am at my lowest weight since my grandma died in 2014.  That week I was so sad and sick to my stomach that I couldn't eat. Since then I have busted my hiney "eating healthy" and literally working out so dang hard.  I would lose a pound, gain 3 back, lose 2 gain 4 back until my weight crept up to 10 more pounds. Then I lost some then I went on vacation, moved to Texas, went on vacation again, and the cycle continued.
When I say I ate healthy, I really honestly thought I did.  I ate a little bit more chicken, ate way more veggies, but I snacked, and snacked and snacked.  Then in reward for doing good all week I would go to dinner and that cheat meal turned into a cheat weekend and the cycle continued.  Let me just add, I know some girls that can cook, and I know some hole in the wall restaurants that are to die for! See where my cycle is going.  I always thought I was ok because I was working out like crazy, and burning off all the bad stuff. Then I still didn't like my results so I started eating like 800-1200 calories a day.  I would hardly drink water because I had a job that asking to go to the bathroom was like cutting off 10 fingers for everybody else. 
Fast forward to today.  I have technically been tracking my macros for about 30 days.  Then I sprained my ankle and gained weight fast again right after Christmas.  Technically a lot was fluid retention, I still gained and was still discouraged.
I then found a Macro coach, because honestly, I didn't quite understand everything yet and didn't know if I even had the right numbers. Guy, find a coach!!! it is worth it!
Anyway, she gave me numbers, then had me change some things and I am finally dropping weight. Finally, after 3 + years of trying everything!
So my message today is, keep trying.  Don't give up!  Track what you eat.  Every single cracker, every single chip, every single cookie dough bite.  weigh it, record it and use that knowledge to your advantage.  No food is off limits, just be smart and have smaller portions!

Discovering my source to my saddness

To get where I am coming with this post, please read this post HERE
I am going to follow up with a BIG FAT Hallelujah and AMEN, and this is my own story.
Seven days after Jase and I got married, we moved across the country to Florida.  Up to this point, I had never been East of Utah, and besides one trip to Lake Powell with friends for 5 days, I had never gone away without my parents. I relied on Facebook to keep in touch with friends and family.  This is a lot where MY journey started.  I mean, it started a little bit before I met Jase with things like "Phew, that workout kicked my hiney," when I literally ran 1 mile and did 50 crunches. I was thin then ha ha
Within a year we were pregnant, I was sick as all get out, and pretty much bed ridden.  Along came BLOGS of all these awesome new life hacks and things to do.  Followed up by Pinterest, more mom blogs, Instagram and Snapchat. I have watched the Kardashians since season one, along with The Hills, Laguna Beach, and all those shows that made me want to drop everything and run to LA.  BUT, I was smart enough to know that these kids parent were dripping in money and this was also a TV show.  I simply didn't have that.
These blogs were what was so inspiring for me.  They offered awesome crafts I could do for SO cheap, when in reality I ended up spending 5x as much at the store just to get started on that particular craft.  They had amazing recipes, that would "win your family over."  They had fun date night ideas, game night ideas etc.  These were all good things. They really were.  They were shaping me into being a good wife, a soon to be and new mother, and a housewife. 
Since these lifestyle blogs came so popular, so did the NEED to be like these people.  Not only did I WANT to live this way, but the NEED became overwhelming. 
I cannot tell you the amount of boards I have on my Pinterest labeled "Dream Home" "Favorite Recipes" "My style" "Perfect Parent" etc. The sad thing is, I have just as many or more on a locked and private for only me to see.  Should I be embarrassed that these are labeled "For real fatty" for workouts, "Suck it in" for extra low calorie foods and just names that degrade me as an awesome human.
Moving on into my story, we have moved 19 times in 7 years. Nobody in their right mind would expect me to have a Pinterest perfect house after 19 moves.  I now live 45 minutes from a measly little gym, with no nanny, let alone babysitter to go to a gym.  Nobody in my FAMILY expects me to have an Instagram worthy body. Nobody expects me to bake cookies on the daily, make my meals look like a 5 star restaurant, perfect all white walls with décor to match, a magazine style kitchen, a never messy playroom and laundry that is always done, neatly folded and put away in a manner that all the drawers shut. In fact, after 7 years, I finally decided on a bedspread to purchase because nothing caught my eye that wasn't $400+.  I refuse to spend over $20 on a decoration for my house.  and quite frankly, I hate cleaning.
I was happy in my life.  I had friends everywhere I went.  I relied on my girls night outs.  I was social, I still worked out. I'm not "fat" and I can make quite a few worthy meals of inviting important people over for dinner. In my Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, I am a Happy, funny, healthy, always on the go person.
Lets fast forward to this year. Well, last year as of a few days ago.  We left our neighborhood, we accepted a job more north, we were starting again, fresh, clean slate.  I was ok with it, I had done it 18 other times and by now, I was pretty dang good at exploring, make new friends and being "Perfect."
I got a big fat slap in the face wake up call.  We live in the boonies.  My closest neighbor is a single guy who lives a mile and a half away, double that distance, and older couple, 5x that distance, finally a family.  Then that is pretty much it for 25-30 miles plus.  Our branch boundaries are 1500 square miles, and the median age for that branch is probably 60-65.  Our primary has probably 6-10 kids in it.  2 are mine, 4 (plus one in nursery) belong to another ranch family. 
Life got rough.  I gained weight like crazy when I got here cause the only thing to do was to find a cool restaurant with delicious food.  It was my out to get me socially inclined to the area.  I heaved myself to these mom blogs and quickly found myself reading and comparing my life for HOURS a day.  I am really not kidding, I am talking HOURS.  I want to make something clear though.  It wasn't just blogs.  It was "everybody else on my feed."  I saw the vacations.  I saw the weight loss. The holidays.  The Birthday parties.  I saw the reunions.  I saw the new houses being built.  The forever homes.  The magazine worthy kitchens.  The date nights.  The gym "gainz."  The hang outs.  The fashions.  Summed up, I saw the life I didn't/couldn't have.  My depression (I assume its depression, I still refuse to go to a dr) hit hard, across the face, black eye, right square in the gut.  So I continued to look at the sites and peoples "social" lives for hours a day. 
New Years Eve hit me the hardest. Every single friend was posting their "perfect" lives of 2016.  Every single friend was posting and snapping their new years parties.  And although we had a mini ranch party of our own, it wasn't "perfect."  let me expand on this, cause it was perfect, but it wasn't glitz, glam, dress up, get hair done, play games, laugh til my side hurt, Instagram worthy goodness.  I mean, we were home and ready for bed by 9pm. How dare I share with my friends my night when theirs excelled all expectations, but for the night and the circumstances, it was perfect, for me, my family, and those who attended.  New years eve was also one of my best friends 30th Birthday parties that we were supposed to attend, but circumstances made us miss it. I got a few snaps from the party, everyone hurrahing into the camera, laughing, smiling and having a blast. I threw my phone and started bawling.  BAWLING my eyes out.  It hit me. I was completely jealous and could do nothing about it.  I can't get in a car and drive 6 hours to them, and I couldn't hop on a plane and travel 1500 miles to my other friends.  This was it, this was my life. Alone, at the bottom of a hill, in the middle of nowhere.
From that point forward I made a deal with myself.  If I worked on myself and didn't "wish" for a better life, my hell, I would have a better life.  If I saved money, I could  have a summer of my friends.  If I worked on the beauty of the life I HAVE, it won't seem so bad.  If I go out and plan the girls nights, surely I would have some friends soon.  If I take these steps, pretty soon I would have the Instagram worthy feed, not because I am rich or an unrealistic life full of nannies and sponsors, but because it is what I made my life.  I might not have a million followers, and that's perfectly fine with me.  I want people to know ME.  Not the me who these social sites are making me be.  Dropping all my money on a fashion closet from Nordstrom is not something that will make me happy, it will make me broke.  BUT, watching my sweet girl dance her heart out and my sweet boy do his boy things, that is money I am happy to spend, because it brings joy to everybody in my family. 
What I am trying to say, I guess I made some goals for 2017.  I am going to live MY life.  I am going to travel, but not to Dubai.  I am going to get fit, but not to be a fitness model.  I am going to be happier, healthier and laugh more.
and thanks for reading this far if you have, because the thought in my head aren't what everybody wants to read. thank you.

Goodbye 2016!

I have heard from so many people that they are ready to see 2016 go.  Although it wasn't the most magical year, I still loved it.  Although there were trials and heartaches and disappointments, there were also a lot of highs and memories. 

We started the year off with Jase starting, doing and completing his thesis for his Masters.  We had some good weather down in South Texas and only had a few VERY cold days.  Kendyl changed schools and went to such an amazing classroom that started her learning career in a good way and jumpstarted her success.  I finished work at the center, and magically stopped getting so sick every 2 weeks.  My best friends had babies, got married, and bought houses.  I ran races, made more friends, made memories and said goodbye to some of the best girls ive ever known.  We accepted a job STILL in Texas and made the big move.  We went on a vacation for a month in Utah.  We partied, swam, laughed, danced, and had the time of our lives there. We sure love and appreciate our Utah summers. 

K bug lost more teeth and started Kindergarten here in our new town.  E-bow has enjoyed having mom to himself and playing all day long. Jase got bucked off his horse and found himself in the ER, then back to Utah for surgery.  I'm sure he is happy to see this year go. We made a few new friends and have been enjoying the smiles on our faces again.  Although I am not surrounded by a ton of people, I am learning to work on my self worth and image.

We had a wonderful Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Jases sweet Aunt Tammy passed away after a valiant fight of cancer.  We took on 26 chickens, 5 bottle calves and basically 2 cats.  We are now down to 15 chickens, 3 bottle calves and 1 cat.

We have big plans for 2017, although they are more mine than anything.  We want to be more adventurous, more brave, and more giving.  We want to work on our parenting.  We want our kids to take risks and become more grateful.  We are sad and happy to see 2016 go, but we are ready for 2017.

Week 3 Macros

Starting weight: 146.2
Current weight: 143.2
I have lost a total of 3 pounds.  Some would be thrilled, some would be sad, but I am perfectly ok with the scale going down instead of up.  This is the Christmas season where there are treats and parties galore!  People go to dinner and eat out a lot more than normal because they are out and about and not at home.
I have splurged a bit, and I am ok with that.  I made some treats with chocolate and m&ms, and chex and pretzels and candy cane and I just couldn't pass it up.  you know what, that is ok!  We also ate out but I made sure I made healthy choices.  Instead of fries I got steamed veggies.  And instead of blowing the entire day, I ate healthy and prepared for a night out.
My workouts are actually going great.  I am getting strong and I have better endurance.  I am still feeling the "burn" and the day after leg shakes and arm aches.  To be honest though, working out was never the hard part for me.  I love to workout, I just didn't know how to treat my workouts with food.  My mindset was workout = go ahead and have that treat, you earned it!
Anyway, for the weekend of Christmas I took 2 days off of working out, and I ate my cookies, my fried food, my brownies, my steak, my greasy cheesy potatos, and my pumpkin pie.... so I KNOW there wont be a down weight with the next weigh in.  And it might even go up a pound or so.  BUT, Monday morning I got right back to counting my macros and working out with some new gear I got for Christmas.

Week 1 with macros

Stats:
Starting weight : 146.2
Current Weight: 144.4

Feelings:  I feel great.  I only had munchies a few times.  I had to make a group lunch for my husbands branding day.  We had cookies, chips, rolls, all the good stuff.  I caved and had a little handful of chips and 1 soft gingerbread cookie.  That night we went to a concert at the Silos and ate my share of Kettle corn but opted out of pizza, grilled cheese, hot chocolate etc.  Instead we hit up Chik-Fil-A after and got a grilled chicken sandwich. Then the next night we had our church Christmas party.  I kind of knew going into it that I could eat as much ham as I wanted, 1 small potato. limit my rolls and salad! Well, I had a few rolls, 1 hot chocolate and a quarter piece of cake.  I came out happy and full.

Non Scale Victories:  I was able to wear my skinny Jeans to the concert WITH a pair of stretchy under armour pants underneath, and I was comfortable.  That is BIG, cause normally I want to just wear sweats lol!  I also worked out 5 days this week! And I logged pretty much all my food and stayed so dang close to my macros.  If I ever went over it was only by a few grams.

I had the munchies last night and wanted something sweet so dang bad.  I decided I wanted to make a banana ice cream and throw in some Strawberry IdealFit protein powder and fruit.  Well, I was so dead beat tired and lazy, I skipped it all together and went to bed.

All together my first week was not as hard as I thought.  There were times where I had to opt for a salad instead of a full blown taco, but with enough salsa, I was in heaven anyway.

How to start with Macro Counting

I am really really confused with things easily.  I have been reading about Macros for literally 3 months and didn't do it because something just didn't make sense.  It seemed really hard and something I didn't want to mess with. I am going to explain this at a "dumbed down" level, because that is really what I needed.
First off you need to calculate how many Macros you need in a day.  You can go to trainers, etc, but I found an online calculator HERE.  I knew I needed about .8 grams of protein per pound that I weigh. Don't worry, this calculator does the math for you.  It will also tell you the carbs and fat you need as well. 
So this diet is pretty much counting calories, BUT, it is counting where the calories come from.  I guess this sentence is what made it click for me.  So for me, on my workout days, I am reaching for 1505 Calories. Broken down, I need 162 G Carbs, 120 G Protein and 42 G fat.
I then downloaded myfitness pal. I decided to buy the advanced version so it would literally have a graph for me of where I am at throughout the day as I enter my food.  You can go in and manually set your macros goals.
What I love about MyFitnessPal app is that the database of food is crazy big.  Going to Chick fil A, on the app.  Going to pretty much any restaurant is on the app.  And, for the food I have in my home, it has a scanner so I just scan, set how much I eat and move on. You can also enter recipes where it will break it down for you per serving as well.
I am only on day 3 of this. I am still learning and I will share ALL the helpful tips and hints as I learn them.  I also suggest following Macro counters on Instagram, and get on pinterest and start pinning. 
One other thing that scared me was usually people counting macros are eating some weird stuff that I know my family will not touch.  This isn't the case with everyone.  Usually at dinner time I see how much of each catergory I have left.  The other night I had barely any carbs at all left.  We were having tacos.  I obviously could not have a tortilla, so I opted to put my 2 oz of taco hamburger on about 2 cups of lettuce.  I opted for no cheese but could have about 3/4 cup of salsa.  (guys, I seriously love salsa). 
I also use a protein shake from IdealFit HERE as well as a pre workout drink and BCAAS. Their protein is SO dang good.  The only flavor I haven't loved is the strawberry, but once I mixed with Almond milk and some frozen fruit, it was so much better.  It is not at all chalky and fills me up for quite a while.
I will continue to update this journey as I keep going!!

Life should be a Party

This post is about to get very vulnerable.  Like, my feelings to the T.  And I don't care if I offend anyone.
Life sometimes really truly sucks.  Its hard being a mom.  It's hard dieting.  Its hard being a hunters wife.  It's hard being a ranchers wife.  Its hard living in the boonies.  It is hard to live a few THOUSAND miles from family and best friends.  It is hard to think up menu plans.  In laws are hard.  Family problems are hard. And compromising with your husband is hard.  and the worst, comparing myself to others.
I have never wanted to let people know how hard some things are.  I never want people to see me sad.  I never want people to look back and say "I knew Tayler, she was always sad."  or "Tayler never wants to do anything." etc.
I look back at my life and I really find myself looking up to those people who "stood out."  They threw the parties.  They laughed at everything.  They were adventurous, funny, KIND, and always lifted me up. 
Although I fall short of many many many of these things, I truly do care about other people.  I care how they are feeling. I care if they are having a fight with someone.  I care if they are going on a Vacation. I want people to feel my happiness.  I want them to feel my need to celebrate every damn thing.  National cookie day, PARTY.  Easton is potty trained, PARTY.  Thanksgiving, nobody is traveling to see us, PARTY.
I want my kids to know that no matter the circumstance, there is always always always something to celebrate.  I look at it as, looking at the bright side of things.  Peoples feelings matter.  Everything in this world can be replaced.  But the way you make people feel is the MOST important thing.  People will NEVER forget how YOU made them feel. 
SO yes, my life is all about a party and I am 100% ok with that.  I would rather celebrate everything, than skip things that could have become a favorite memory. Memories last a lifetime.  So please, go make a memory with your family, friends and kids.  Get out of your comfort zone and realize others may need to see the bright side coming from you to see the bright side of things for them.

Starting Macros

I have figured out my Macro counts and I started with them yesterday.  I am using My Fitness Pal ( the advanced version) to track the macros.  So far it isn't terribly hard.  But I do find my self not hungry at all. I literally am coming into this eating less that 1000 calories a day and having to up them to about 1500 calories, all while staying within my carbs, fats and proteins.
I am also having a hard time eating carbs without gorging on bread.  I know I can cook up some rice and beans and tortillas and such, but I haven't gone grocery shopping.
So I am starting today at
GULP:
146 pounds.

I will do another weigh in every 2 weeks and post my progress here.  I will also get a starting picture up asap.

Our cow Sweetheart

Isn't it crazy how attached to animals you get?  We had this sweet guy for about 6 weeks.  He made a way into our heart and left a big fat stamp. 
On Tuesday I was working out and noticed that the calves (Sweetheart and Knucklehead) didn't leave my front porch area pretty much all morning.  Although this isn't a red flag, I decided to go out and say hello and give them their morning rub downs before I took them their milk.  Knucklehead just stared at me out of concern and Sweetheart was curled up in a ball hall under the deck.  I rubbed his back and noticed he was pretty hot, kind of like a fever. I also noticed he didn't even lift his head.
I ran to get some milk and he still didn't lift his head.  Knucklehead barged in and wanted his milk so I took him around back so I could help the sick calf.  I pulled him out and helped him stand up, where he immediately fell back down.  With a broken heart, I pulled up a pumpkin (yes, we have yet to carve them from Halloween) and sat on it so I could prop his head up while holding the bucket...
Jase brought home an antibiotic and he was well enough to move about the yard by that night.
The same cycle happened through Friday morning.  Only Friday morning he wouldn't even suck on his milk and was back to falling over when I picked him up.  Jase brought home the bottle with a tube and we stuck it down to his belly for the next few feedings.  We switched up the antibiotic after talking with the vet.
Sadly Saturday morning, it was so cold and so rainy.  We found Sweetheart in the corner of the property and brought him up to the porch.  We toweled him off and I sat with a heat lamp for about an hour or so.  I bawled my eyes out just thinking of the outcome.  I also froze my Hiney off since I was sweaty from a workout and went outside right after.
We decided to bring him inside so we weren't all miserable in the cold.  Kendyl wanted to say a little prayer for him.  In the prayer she said "Please bless Knucklehead won't be lonely" and I lost it.  Literally not 5 minutes later he let out a big sigh and he was gone.
We cried like babies. Every single one of us.
Jase went a dug a hole with one working shoulder in the pouring rain.  Knucklehead won't leave the corner where he last saw Sweetheart.  Let me just say, he has never ever mooed. He is mooing up a storm. My heart is broken.  We will forever miss that cow.  We sound crazy. We live on a Ranch. But dang it, us ranchers care for these animals like family.  We would never ever let them live in less that perfect conditions. Love you Sweetheart.....

Christmas in my mouth

Do yourself theeee biggest favor and go purchase this like right now....go, now.  I'm sure they sell  it everywhere. I found it at Walmart.  See, this is why I should NOT live so far from town.  I shopped today, ate it on the way home, then hid the last little bit in my pantry.  I know it will be gone by the season premiere of Fixer Upper.  So now I am finding reasons why I need to drive 25 miles to the nearest grocery store to buy myself some more.

Merry Freaking Christmas Taste Buds..... Happy Freaking Holidays hips! lol

Love Always WIns

I don't care if you take this quote in light of Black Lives Matter.  Or with Same Sex Marriage.  Or to Bullying.  Or to the Trump protestors.  Or whatever you want to apply this to, do it.  Its so true, Love Always Wins.

I briefly read a story that happened here in Waco, Texas at Baylor University.  I honestly didn't read the whole thing, I just skimmed it and assume I have the story.  A young black student was walking to class when someone shoved her off the sidewalk and called her the Nasty N word.  In support, 300, THREE HUNDRED, students showed up and walked her to class.  I cried for 2 reasons through this story.  1, how cruel and dark and terrible people behave. And 2, how people stepped up and showed this person it is NOT ok, and showed this young girl that people have her back.  I am so proud of each one of those 300 people.  I so wish I knew about it so I could go walk her to class as well.  TO be there, to be the light. 

I am so saddened that my children have to grow up in a world with so much hate and disgust.  When and why did it change from when I was little. 

I grew up in Layton, Utah, and to be honest, the black population was very very slim to none.  Never once did I ever even think to treat one of them differently.  Not once did I deny a friendship.  Not once did their skin color change anything about the way I saw them vs a white person. 

I want my kids to grow up and KNOW that Love is the answer.  I will not stand for bullying.  I will not stand for anything but respect and love for other people and animals.  I want them to know that I want them to be kind.  I want them to never judge.  I want them to stand up for others.  I want them to be role models.  I don't care what Religion, Ethnicity, gay or straight, car choice, sport choice, anything, everybody deserves the right to be respected and loved.  I will try every dang day to be an example to them and SHOW them that these rules stand.  I may be terrified of what will happen at school, the playground and out in public, but I want to know my kids are making the world a better place by spreading LOVE, Kindness, Manners and Gratitude.

I challenge the same for each of you.

Also, ANY love always wins shirts in my shop will get 30% off for LIFE. Just mention you read this when you order!  ♥♥

I guess secrets do kill you

I don't know exactly where I left off in my story.  I don't like to visit that chapter of my life often.  I do know that writing is healing.  I think I am pretty much healed, but every once in a while, something knocks me down and I am overcome with a wave of emotion.  I think Birthdays and Holidays are the hardest.  Not for me, I mean yes for me, but in a different way. 
My mom and dad have to spend Holidays alone.  My moms family has completely abandoned us.  My mom and dad stood by our side through it ALL.  She lost her sisters, her dad, her mom.  She lost some extended family members.  She lost friends who were like family.  ALL BECAUSE OF THIS MONSTER. 
I remember when the man got arrested and it all became real for my aunt.  Not once did she say oh my gosh I am so sorry.  Not once did she ask if we were ok.  The words that came out of her mouth were "Who is going to pay my house payment."
I get financial status is a thing.  It keeps people in terrible relationships.  It brings out gold diggers.  It really is the thing if you make or break it in life.  I get why she said it.....but not one single concern about me or my sister?  Not one?  Not a phone call. Nothing. All we got was, Don't ever speak to me or my family again.
My mom was right.  If her sister found out what her husband had done, her sister would hate her. Not once did she look and say, wow, they held this back to protect me for an entire year.  They thought of our kids, me, my financial situation. Not once. 
It was probably immediately, maybe a couple hours that my grandpa turned on us too.  Then slowly my other aunt, who  had all that cousins our age who were our best friends.  She wasn't downright not talking to us, but she said some VERY hurtful things that I will NEVER forget. She blamed it on "Well if those girls didn't wear bikinis at the cabin" (the cabin was at a beautiful lake that everyone boated, swam, etc.)   WHHHHAAAAATTTTTT?????  I'm still waiting for that apology..
Anyways, with the holidays coming up, my anxiety is getting higher, and I know my moms is too.  I appreciate her so much and the sacrifices she has been through to protect us.  She lost her entire family, and we still tried to protect this man through court dates.....

Show you care

Its easy to get caught up in your own lives, your own friends and forget about those that matter most to you.  Sometimes those that matter most to you are secretly falling apart inside and don't know how to reach out and ask for help or attention.  We see this in all walks of life.  From suicide threats down to the girl/guy that post anything and everything on social media.  Sometimes it is as simple as them pulling back from their normal behavior is a red flag.  If you have that friend that used to post everything they ate, said, did, and then all of a sudden they are posting next to nothing if at all, it is probably time to reach out.  Not only in social media, but through text, phone calls, smiles, anything.  I have seen it time and time again with friends and family.  The sad thing is, 9 times out of 10, something is going on, and someone NEEDS to reach out. 

I am usually a happy girl that makes friends easily.  I love hanging out and making friends into family.  I love to show off my cute kids (who doesn't) and share my life on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat.  I move, and I move a lot, so I think I am so into it, as a way to say "Hey everyone I have met, know, left, I am here and this is our life and please don't EVER forget us."

I have noticed I am not smiling as much as I used to. I have noticed I am not putting myself out there as much.  I noticed relationships slipping through my fingers and I feel helpless because I feel they are too far gone for help.  I have been reached out to by so many people.  SO many people have called and asked about my life. They have offered to let me let out all my frustrations.  They have let me vent and cry.  They have checked up on me and I am SO VERY THANKFUL. I am slowly but surely pulling myself out of this deep dark pit that I have got myself into.

With all that, I have realized that some people don't know how to help, how to ask, how to deal with someone who is pulling back and having bizarre behavior. 

1- CALL THEM.  Don't ask their family members how they are doing, don't ask a friend, pick up the phone and CALL THEM.  They will tell you what they want you to know about them and their feelings. Don't call to talk about other people.  Don't call to update them about EVERYBODY else YOU have been keeping up with besides them.  Ask about their lives, their childrens lives, the important things and the non important things. Ask how their kids extra curricular activities are.  ASK

2-TEXT THEM If calling is too scary (which I totally underdstand) simply send a text. a heartfelt message or just a simple, hey I was thinking about you.  This will move mountains in their life.

3- Send a Letter-  Who else loves a simple card in the mail.  Anything besides bills and junk mail. 

4- Pay attention-  It simply is as easy as that.  Take note of their likes and dislikes.  Their favorite music, food, treat, or how weirdly they love something quirky.  Take note!

5- MAKE PLANS-  Make a big plan or a simple plan with them.  It can be so simple. Things like, Hey can I call you tomorrow, are you busy?  Can we go get lunch?  Can we come visit?

6- Appreciation- Day in and day out, moms do not feel appreciated.  Like all the work they are doing means nothing to anybody.  They are tired, fed up, need a shower, and everybodys problems come before their own.  Call and tell them they are doing a dang good job.  Tell them the things they don't notice for themselves.  Tell them something they are doing right.  Tell them how hard they are working.

7- Send them something funny because laughter is hilarious and I truly believe it cures so many heartaches.  When you come across something that makes you laugh, share it, because you never know who else needs that laugh.

8- ASK-  Ask how their big event went. Ask how their child's birthday went.  Ask how they new recipe turned out that they wanted to try.  Ask how their talk went.  Ask if they are feeling better after a sickness.  Just ask.....

Not one single thing in this list costs money.  Not one single thing takes too much time or effort if at all.  You know what it will do though, SHOW SOMEONE YOU CARE AND LOVE THEM.  I believe that is all we all really need.  We are human and we need attention.  Please reach out to an old friend. Please reach out to a family member.  Please just reach out, because you really could save someone from having a terrible hour, day, week, month, year.  Don't deny that it doesn't make you feel loved and needed when someone reaches out.

 As Ellen says, Be kind to one another.  That is what life is all about.

Happy Sixth!

I cannot even say how proud I am of you!  Not only today, but every single day.  Every single day you amaze me and knock my socks off!  You are So smart. Like really really smart.  You are Beautiful.  Not only on the outside, but your beauty shines out of your heart and soul as well.  You radiate beauty, that I know will last a lifetime.  You are kind, oh so kind, with a heart of gold. You have a tenderness to your soul, that I know will take you places and touch so many lives for the good.  You have been my right hand girl since day one, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  You are so funny and you are amazing!  Thanks for taking all these moves like a champ.  Thanks for helping me with anything.  Thanks for offering your giant hugs.  Thanks for making me realize what life is all about!  I love you, Bug!

You love turkey and cheese sandwiches with just mustard.

You are obsessed with unicorns and dolphins.

You kind of want to cut your long gorgeous hair.

You have lost 4 teeth, and 2 more wiggly ones.

You take dance (Jazz) and love it.

You are all things girl.

Halloween 2016

Man did Halloween just drag on and on this year for you?  I mean, I am a total Halloween junkie, but by the time the actual 31st came, I was just kinda like, blah.  Don't get me wrong, I had a total blast!  We went trick or treating with some friends! We dressed up! I loved watching the kids run from house to house and get so excited! 
We had a ward Halloween party with fun games. 
We went to McLane Stadium at Baylor University and did their spooktacular event.  Note to the wise, I will NOT be attending that one again.  We had to pay to get in.  Then it was just a bunch of businesses there that had you throw a bean bag through a wood pumpkin mouth and then woo hoo you go a sucker!  They DID have paint your own pumpkin, which was SO cute and fun, but hey, they paint is wet, and I was not taking that home.  They did also have the good donut shop there doing donut on a string.  But in the end, $30 to get it, we could have painted a bigger pumpkin at home and got a few dozen donuts. It was fun to be there and see the stadium, but you couldn't even go down into the seats to get a good picture of the fam by the field. Soooo, it was kind of a big waste of money.  Some cities do this same thing for FREE, and you get better candy!
The kids picked their costumes this year. With K being a Unicorn and E being Buzz Lightyear! Kendyls hair was SUCH a blast to do!  I will do a tutorial in a bit!  It is perfect for Halloween or crazy hair day at school!

 He was SO dang grumpy All night long! He would get a piece of candy and hand it right back!

 He cheered up a bit when he got to see the field though!

My mantle November

Cotton wreath:  I made it, BUT you can get one from Magnolia Market, and get 10% off if you sign up for their emails here

Felt Ball Garland:  Seriously, check out Hello MayPole! She is the cutest girl out of Salt Lake City Utah. She has felt balls for every occasion.  I met her at Silobration, and I bought this one (THAT JOANNA GAINES BOUGHT AS WELL) and a Christmas one.  Seriously, I am obsessed.  My kids LOVED helping me thread them, making a pattern, helping me hang them.  Go visit her right here.

Thankful Garland: GO TO TARGET DOLLAR SECTION

T letter: I have loved this store since, well, forever.  They have the most fun unfinished wood crafts! Seriously, frames, holidays, décor, letters, EVERYTHING.  visit them here

I did my photography in the family picture
 and the lyric quote, I made that as well.  If you would like any lyric quotes, please contact me! I make them customized to your liking!